iLIKEJOAQUIN

YOU ARE NOT FAT

SHUT UP! YOURE BEAUTIFUL

This picture of my mom and I is one of my favorites, if not FAVORITE of all time of us. Believe it or not, my mom and I never seemed to get a long when I was young…esp. middle school and hs. (but I think thats the case with every one and their mom right?). When I moved out and went to college, life truly tested our relationship and really brought us together especially the these past two years. Since then, we’ve been really close.

25 years ago, my mom decided to adopt me. She was in her late 30s (I think) and wanted a child. Everyone in the family told her that she was too old to have a child, but she insisted. Lucky would have it, I was born, and it so happened that the nurse at the time was friends with my mom. She called my mom and basically asked if she wanted me. My birth mom died soon after. I never really questioned my “mom” and the “why me”…all I know is I was chosen and she wanted me.

This past year I learned more about where I came from, where I could have ended up, and how amazing my mom is. She sacrificed a lot - I mean a lot! Shes my sheroe. She married a white dude just so she can petition me…I dunno if she even loved him…but damn…what woman does that just to get her son from the Philippines over to the states…a mom who would do anything to have her child in her arms. Funny thing is, when she left me with my brother in the Philippines, I barely remembered what she looked like…all I heard was her voice on the phone…when I finally met her at the airport…I was like…who is this woman? lol…strange right?

My mom has done so much for my family. At 70, she continues to try and find jobs to support the family. Her last job caused her to get hurt…and it made me angry. When my family was at the lowest point, my mom continued to work to help support us. She was tired…but she knew that she had to do it. Shes the type of mom who would give money to her kids, even though they didn’t need it and kindly refused. Recently for my birthday, she gave me $100 before I went to Vegas. I wasn’t expecting it, but she gave me money. I know a few parents who don’t give shit to their kids on their birthday…or even $100…but my mom did. She’ll do anything for me -.

As a kid I used to go into her room and see if she was breathing. I dunno…for some weird reason, as a kid I always thought she was old. At the time I think she was 50. In elementary school, I used to get “is that your grandma” and I was be so embarrassed. I was so ashamed of my mom. When there were events where we could invite our parents…I dreaded it. I didn’t want my mom to go. I didn’t even want my mom to pick me up…When I look back at it…its stupid and if my mom ever knew what I felt back then…I know she’d be hurt. UGH it makes me mad how I felt this way….Anyway, as a kid I had a fear of loosing my mom at a young age…when I saw her finally breathing, I gave a big sigh of relief.

Now…the fear of her passing is more evident…the way she says things…and its worse in tagalog. I remember for her birthday this past year she said, “This will probably be my last bag I get.” At first, I didn’t know what she meant, but then I realized it and it broke my heart. My family says she dramatic, but as her youngest, I take what she says so personal and it gets me really sad. Recently, I found out that she has to get surgery for a tumor that shes had in her thyroid. Its not cancerous, but if left, it could be. Hearing this for the first time last week just broke my heart…like why didn’t I know about this…Maybe its because my family doesn’t want me to worry…

So this Friday, I’m going with her for her consultation…I’m scared for her…and I’m also scared to hear what they doc has to say. She has to get surgery for it…and its scary…my mom at 70…getting surgery? UGH…

Its so morbid, but I’ve tried to prepare myself for the worse…I never lost anyone immediate…and I guess death has just been so taboo with my mom…You can’t really prepare that shit…its tough…but at the same time, you can’t help but think about it…When I call the house…and she doesn’t pick up…I worry. When I haven’t heard from her in awhile, I get worried…Thats why I try to go home every two weeks and just spend time with her. I tell her I love you ALL THE TIME…I try to be there for her when I can. I do what I can to make her happy…cause its my turn to give back…

I love my mom so much…and this whole tumor surgery…sigh…I can’t even express it to you how ugh its been for me…Trying not to think about it…

However, if you’re reading this…please keep my mom in your prayers thoughts…She was talking about it with my sisters friends husband…to pray for her…ugh…such a touchy subject…

She told me last week that if anything happens…to just be good kids…*cries*

There a kid in me that will always want my mom to live forever…sigh…and I’m slowly realizing…that can never be =((((