i feel like im leading into that moment :P its a big moment, but its that moment thats bigger than me! #blessed

I’ve dated many guys in my past and each one taught me something about myself. Taught me that I needed to be patient, understanding, kind, and most of all true to who I am as a person. There was one moment in my life that I was head over heels for this one kid, I say kid because he literally was, and he had this charm about him that I had never met in a guy. To my surprise, he was into me…but the thing was…he was still caught up with his ex…ALTHOUGH, I caution people in getting into something with someone who has feelings still for their ex, I still went for it. Knowing that I was going to be 100% with myself and show this guy that there’s something better…and that was me. It didn’t work out unfortunately, but I was proud of myself in the end because I knew I did everything in my power to give LOVE the way I would want someone to give LOVE to me. I went on my way with my head up high and he went back to his ex. As much as I was a little bit disappointed, I couldn’t beat myself up for something that was not in my control. I was 100 with myself and I was proud of that.

There was a time where I was dating this guy and he wanted me to be with him every second and every hour of every day. Which I didn’t mind at first, but it got to the point where if I left his side that he would think I didn’t love him anymore. He always questioned me and pushed my buttons. He would try to catch my “bluff” or try to set me up to make me look like I was lying. Its funny because there are many guys I’ve dated that felt I was lying or hiding something from them or that I was just a player. Its funny because I am far from that and I always had to prove to them that they were my one and only…even at that…it didn’t matter because they would bring up BS, throw shade at me, bring this and that on my court, and get me so mad. Sometimes I had to be the bigger person and just stay calm because the other person was doing enough damage for both of us. Although there were moments where I lashed back. I’ve learned enough about patience, trust, and integrity. I just don’t think the people I date or get with know what that is when getting with me.

There were also moments where I was into a guy because they were sooo handsome. I mean gaddd I have some great track records with guys if I say so myself. I mean FIONEEE. lol, but the only thing was…they had nothing going for them…or they just didn’t know how to carry a conversation. You know…they had the body, but no brains…or they had the body and brains but they were arrogant as FUCKK! I’m a sucker for attractive guys, but I know that when I have an attractive guy on my jock that I gotta be cautious. Not because I don’t trust them off the bat, but because attractive guys have this attitude that they can get ANYBODY and ANYONE that they please. I don’t even need to go into detail, you know when you spot one…so am I already assuming and stereotyping a person…yeah…but thats just being real right? Funny thing is…thats how guys see me. LOL I find it SOOOOOO funny that guys think I have a line of folks trying to get at me and be with me. I find it funny that guys think that I’m a fucking snob or a bitch…I find it funny that guys feel like they can’t trust me. To those I say, FUCKK OFF lol.

Being single…well thats the best time in someones life especially after being in a relationship because you realize how much more free time you have to yourself. There might be the occasional flirting here and there with guys, but you’re not tied to them. Being single is the best because you get to do whatever the fuck you want. PLUS…you can save up money. LOL. I’m at a point in my life where OF COURSE I would love to be with someone again…but really, I can hold my own and carry myself by myself until that time comes. I got so much to be grateful for in my life. I have an amazing life…that a boyfriend would just be the cherry on top. I have my shit together, unfortunately I can’t say the same for the guys that holler. lol. Being single…I’m ok with it. I’m finally getting used to it…its nice. But don’t get me wrong, that moment where you wish you had someone can hit you real hard…real hard…

Experience.  Dream.  Risk.  Close your eyes, jump, and enjoy the free fall.  Choose exhilaration over predictability.  Choose growth over comfort.  Choose potential over safety.  Wake up to the magic of life.

Make friends with your intuition.  Trust your gut.  Discover the beauty of uncertainty.  Know yourself fully before you make promises to others.  Make lots of mistakes so that you will know how to discern what you truly need.

Learn when to hold on and when to let go.  Love hard and often and without reservation.  Seek knowledge.  Open yourself to possibility.  Keep your heart honest, your head high, and your spirit free.  Embrace your darkness along with your light.  Be wrong every once in a while, and be okay with it.

Awaken to the brilliance in ordinary moments.  Live the truth no matter what the cost.  Own your reality without apology.  See goodness in the world.  Be Bold.  Be Fierce.  Be grateful.  Be wild, crazy, and gloriously free.

Go now and add more life to your years.  Here are few ways to do just that:

1. Be you. – There’s no better freedom than the freedom to be yourself. Give yourself that gift, and choose to surround yourself with those who appreciate your decision.  Don’t let someone change who you are, to become what they need.  Be you in the beautiful way only you can, to become what you need.
2. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. – The amount of abuse you tolerate in a partner is equal to the amount of abuseyou heap on yourself.  If you are used to telling yourself that you’re ugly, that you are destined to fail, and that you’re not capable of performing in the world without someone holding your hand, then you will accept, and feel most comfortable with, a partner who reinforces these same negative beliefs.  Read The Mastery of Love.
3. Breathe your passion. – It’s not what we do every once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.  There is a proverb that says, “He who half breathes, half lives.”  Writing is my breath, so I breathe it every day.  Whatever your breath is, breathe it deeply and consistently so that you may live wholly.
4. Act out of love. – Love your life to the fullest.  Love is natural.  When we do not act out of love, it goes against our very nature.  That choice results in emotional, mental, and even physical pain.  Love heals the pain that was caused by the absence of it.  Always act out of love.
5. Make your gratitude list longer than your worry list. – Don’t let a bad moment ruin your day.  Think of it as a bad minute, not a bad day, and you’ll be okay.  Stress thrives when our worry list is longer than our gratitude list.  Happiness thrives when our gratitude list is longer than our worry list.  So find something to be thankful for.  And remember, pretending to be happy when you’re struggling is just a small example of how strong you are as a person.  When it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.  Because without the rain there would be no rainbow. Read Tuesdays with Morrie.
6. Keep your mind wide open. – Make a promise to yourself.  Promise to stop the drama before it begins, to breathe deeply and peacefully, and to love others and yourself without conditions.  Promise to laugh at your own mistakes, and to realize that no one is perfect; we are human.  Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible.  All of us are imperfect, so there’s no point judging each other or ourselves.  In the understanding of this truth lies our perfection.
7. Take chances. – Take lots of them.  Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be.  Stop regretting things and start accepting them as the teachers they are.  Your most significant opportunities will be found in times of great difficulty.  Your mistakes make you who you are.  You learn and grow with each choice you make.  Everything is worth it.  Listen to your heart.  Continue to follow your path, and be okay with the challenges that lie ahead.  Read The Last Lecture.
8. Let go of old wounds. – Change can be terrifying, yet healing requires change.  Sometimes you have to find the good in goodbye.  Because the past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.  Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars on the playground: You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

We are addicted to our thoughts.
We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.

Your thoughts today create your life tomorrow.  Here are twelve destructive thoughts to flush out of your mind.

1. “My past is indicative of my future.” – Do not judge failed attempts and mistakes as an indication of your future potential, but as part of the growth process.  Something does not have to end well for it to have been one of the most valuable experiences of a lifetime.  When times get tough, take a deep breath.  Know that most great things come when you least expect it.  Keep working on YOU and it will work itself out.  Being defeated is a temporary condition; giving up is what makes it permanent.
2. “I care what they think of me.” – Ignore the rude people who talk about you behind your back.  That’s exactly where they belong, behind your back.  Being strong doesn’t mean you always have to fight the battle.  True strength is being wise enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.  Read The Four Agreements.
3. “I’ll do what makes me happy someday.” – Sometimes in your quest to make everyone else happy, you make yourself miserable.  Remember,today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you will ever be again.  It’s kind of scary, but it’s true.  If there was ever a perfect moment to follow your values and pursue your own dreams, that moment is now.
4. “I can’t,” “It’s too late,” “I’m not good enough,” etc. – We never know where we will be at the end of our journey.  We do, however, know where we are today; and from here we can mine our hope and love to set the course forward.  Our attitude shifts our sails and ultimately determines not only our final destination, but more importantly, the voyage and experiences along the way.
5. “There’s so much that could go wrong.” – Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start thinking of what could go right.  Better yet, think of everything that already is right.  Be thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family, and past dreams and goals that turned into realities.  Use these positive points to fuel an even brighter tomorrow.
6. “I will never forgive you.” – It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it’s been hurt.  If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.  You are stronger now and better equipped to find the kind of love you deserve.  Read You Can Heal Your Life.
7. “I don’t like them because they’re broken.” – As you grow you will discover that you were blessed with two great hands – one for helping yourself, and one from helping others.  Be someone who builds and nurtures with an understanding and forgiving heart.  Be someone who looks for the best in people and leaves them a little stronger than you found them.  And always be careful of how you judge people – you can’t sum up a person’s entire existence in one moment.
8. “I am too unhappy to make anyone else happy.” – Happiness is a boomerang.  When you catch yourself feeling unhappy, doing something small that makes someone else happy, and I guarantee you, when they smile, it will be hard not to smile back.
9. “I can’t trust anyone.” – We often keep our hearts closed, not because we don’t trust others not to leave us, let us down, or stop loving us, but because we don’t trust ourselves to survive the pain of them leaving, letting us down, or not loving us anymore.  How ironic, considering that only by suffering through these very losses, do we come to realize our true strength.  Remember, like a tiny seed, in order to grow, we need to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, rained on, and forced to struggle slowly to reach the light.
10. “Everyone else is doing it, so it must be right.” – Live YOUR life.  Never hide who you are.  The only shame is to have shame.  Stand up for what you believe in.  Question what other people tell you when it doesn’t feel right.  If you follow the crowd, you will go no further than the crowd.  But if you walk alone, follow your gut, and carve your own path, you will likely find yourself in places no one has ever been before.
11. “It will never get better.” / “It will never get worse.” – This too shall pass.  When life is rough, remember, it won’t always be this way.  So take one day at a time.  And when life is great, remember, it won’t always be this way.  So appreciate every great moment.  Read The Power of Now.
12. “I don’t have time to dream.” – The real tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your dream; it lies in having no dream to reach.  Devote yourself to an idea you believe in.  Follow your gut.  Overcome your fears.  Work on it.  Struggle with it.  Smile about it.  Make it happen.  This is your life and your dream – no one else’s.  And remember, you don’t have to see the whole staircase; you just have to take one step at a time.

Don’t forget, when you stop doing the wrong things, the right things eventually catch you.

So make sure you’re not…

1. Making blind judgments. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show you.  What you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain.  Too often we jump to conclusions, only to cause ourselves and others unnecessary worry, hurt, and anger.  So exercise restraint, be kind, and save the jumping for joy.
2. Expecting people to be perfect. – When you open up to love, you must be open up to getting hurt as well.  If you expect to love someone, and not have disappointment every now and then, then you don’t want love, you want something perfect that doesn’t exist.  When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can start appreciating them for who they truly are.  Read The 5 Love Languages.
3. Focusing on everything and everyone except YOU. – Make the world a better place one person at a time, and start with YOU.  If you’relooking out into the world to find where your purpose resides, stop, and look inside instead.  Look at who you already are, the lifestyle you choose to live, and what makes you come alive.  Then nurture these things and let them grow until your current life can no longer contain them.  And finally, as you’re being forced to grow, follow them into the world with courage, trusting that where they will take you will be where your purpose finds its home.
4. Holding on to the wrong things for too long. – To let go isn’t to forget.  Letting go involves cherishing the memories, overcoming the obstacles, and moving on.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow.  It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead.  It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes and continue taking positive steps forward.
5. Denying your mistakes. – Mistakes are almost always forgivable if you have the courage to admit them.  You have to be courageous and wise enough to know that if what you are doing isn’t producing the desired results, you must take different actions.  Sometimes falling flat on your face is exactly what’s needed to help you see things from a totally different perspective, and get back on track.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
6. Avoiding your fears. – Go to your fears, sit with them, and stare at them.  Your fears are your friend; their only job is to show you undeveloped parts of yourself that you need to cultivate to live a happy life.  The more you do the things you’re most afraid of doing, the more life opens up.  Embrace your fears and your fears will embrace you.
7. Accepting less than you know you deserve. – Do not sacrifice your heart or your dignity.  Love yourself enough to never lower your standards for the wrong reasons.  Do not get so anxious for something that you’ll accept anything.  Hold to your standards and be willing to walk away, with your head held high.
8. Storing mental clutter. – Just as you don’t move from one home to another without first sorting through what you’ve gathered over the years, throwing away what is broken and no longer useful, so too should you do the same with what you’ve mentally gathered, before you move on.  Do some sorting, throw away regrets and old pains, and take only the treasures worth keeping: The lessons, the love, and the best of what you’ve lived.
9. Worrying about things that can’t be changed. – One of the happiest moments ever is when you feel the courage to let go of what you can’t change.  Refuse to ruin a perfectly good today by thinking about a bad yesterday.  The past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased.  However, the lessons learned can prepare you for a brighter tomorrow.  Read The Power of Now.
10. Letting hope gradually slip away. – Every mistake, breakup, and setback in life is an opportunity to do it better next time.  So keep your head held high.  We can live without a lot of things, but hope isn’t one of them.  Cultivate hope by latching onto stories of triumph, and words that inspire.  But most of all, listen to the quiet whisper of your inner strength when it tells you that this is only temporary, and that you will get through this stronger than you were before.
11. Thinking it’s too late. – Whether you know it or not the rest of your life is being shaped right now.  You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices, or you can fight back.  Things aren’t always going to be fair in the real world; that’s just the way it is.  But for the most part you get what you give.  The rest of your life is being shaped by the goals you chase, the choices you make, and the actions you take.  The rest of your life is a long time, and it starts right now.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/09/03/9-free-ways-to-become-wealthy/#more-498

The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.  Start building real wealth today by doing the following:

1. Realize that the small things are really the big things. – We are always looking for something better that we sometimes fail to realize that we already have the best we could hope for.  When you get something small, you want more.  When you get more, you desire even more.  But when you lose everything, you realize the small things were really the big things.  Read The Last Lecture.
2. Cherish your relationships. – Sometimes people are beautiful, not in looks, not in what they say, just in who they are and what they do.  Remember, you will never fully appreciate all of the things someone does for you until you find yourself doing the same things for yourself.  So be grateful for the people who make your life a little brighter.  They are the charming gardeners who help your soul blossom.
3. Be okay with the fact that you can’t control everything. – When you’re younger, you exhaust yourself trying to take charge of everything inyour life, other people, and all situations.  Then one day it dawns on you that you will never gain control until you lose the need to have it – until you can simply let it be okay, to not be perfectly okay.  When you’re wearing yourself ragged trying to juggle the outcome of everything happening around you, it’s time to stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that the only things you can truly control, are what choices you will make, and how much control you will give to the fear that you’re feeling.
4. Work through your failures. – Success is not a skill; it is a persistent attitude.  The difference in winning and losing is, most often, the simple act of not quitting.  Before you quit, think of the reason why you held on so long, and all the progress you have made.  The reason so many people give up too early is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come.  Read The Success Principles.
5. Don’t let your fears make your decisions anymore. – Have faith that the universe has a plan for you, and it’s all being revealed in the right timeframe.  Something you will eventually learn through all your ups and downs is that there are really no wrong decisions in life, just choices that will take your life down a totally different path.  So take chances, follow your intuition, and allow yourself more moments of awe, wonder, inspiration and grace.
6. Stand up for yourself. – Don’t let the people who do so little for you, control so much of your feelings and emotions.  Never cry for those who don’t know the value of your tears.  Stand your ground.  It is better to let them walk away from you than all over you.
7. Make up your mind to be happy. – Nobody can take away your pain, so don’t let anyone take away your happiness.  If you want to be sad, no one in the world can make you happy.  But if you make up your mind to be happy, no one and nothing on earth can take that happiness from you.
8. Let go of resentment. – You will only begin to heal and grow when you let go of the past, forgive those who have wronged you, and learn for forgive yourself for your mistakes.  So every morning as you make your bed, think positively, and smooth out the wrinkles of negativity left from yesterday’s challenges, tuck the corners of your doubts away, and fluff your belief that every day is a perfect new beginning.  Read Radical Forgiveness.
9. Focus on the positive. – With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift.  Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.  You get to choose.  No matter how far you have traveled or how many failures you have encountered, hope and positivity can still meet you anywhere.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/09/05/11-ways-successful-people-start-their-mornings/#more-502

I do most of these …but need to be more consistent 

The day may have 24 hours of equivalent length but every hour is not created equal.  Beginning the day with a purpose and a plan increases your chances of success.

In her book What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, Laura Vanderkam writes, “Seizing your mornings is the equivalent of that sound financial advice to pay yourself first.  If you wait until the end of the month to save what you have left, there will be nothing left over.  Likewise, if you wait until the end of the day to do meaningful but not urgent things like exercise, pray, read, ponder how to advance your career or grow your organization, or truly give your family your best, it probably won’t happen.”

Here are 11 smart ways to start your day.  I would suggest that the most successful people do the majority of these things during the first couple hours of their morning as part of their daily routine.

1. Get an early start.  This extra time will help you avoid speeding tickets, tardiness and other unnecessary headaches.  In addition, most markets and businesses open by 9 A.M.  Whether you work from home or commute to an office, the more time you’ve had to digest the day’s news and obstacles ahead, the greater advantage you’ll have over your competition.
2. Review your Focus list.  What is your number one goal right now?  What’s most important to you?  What makes you happy?  Design your time around these things.  Remember, time is your greatest limited resource, because no matter how hard you try you can’t work 25/8.
3. Review your TO-DON’T list.  A ‘TO-DON’T list’ is a list of things not to do.  It might seem amusing, but it’s an incredibly useful tool for keepingtrack of unproductive habits, like checking Facebook and Twitter, randomly browsing news websites, etc.  Create one and post it up in your workspace where you can see it.
4. Exercise.  Other than the obvious health benefits, movement increases brain function and decreases stress levels.  Developing a consistent habit of exercising is a discipline which will carry over into your business day – Apple CEO, Tim Cook, is in the gym by 5 A.M. every morning.  If you can, go outside for a walk, or jump on the treadmill and start out slow.  This will jump-start your metabolism and your day.
5. Eat a healthy breakfast.  Your brain and body speed are a function of what you intake.  Bagels, muffins and sugars have the tendency to slow you down.  Fruits, proteins and grains help provide a consistent stream of energy without the sudden drop-off.   Try a mixture of orange, apple and lemon juice with a spinach omelet one morning and let me know how much better you feel.
6. Kiss your partner goodbye.  It sounds cheesy, but most truly successful people have a great home life.  Acknowledging your partner (and kids) mentally relaxes you, allowing you to focus on the day ahead.  Don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re striving to be successful so they may benefit as well.
7. Practice 15 minutes of positive visualization.  In his program Get the Edge, Tony Robbins explains the importance of gratitude visualization first thing every morning.  In a nutshell, spend roughly 15 minutes thinking of everything you’re grateful for: in yourself, among your family and friends, in your career, and the like.  After that, visualize everything you want in your life as if you had it today.  The effect?  Elevated certainty in everything you do, and always being in peak state.  Despite how ‘new age’ it sounds, it’s had incredible effects on associating success into my every-day life.
8. Put first things first.  Successful people recognize that not all hours are created equal, and they strategically account for this when planning their day.  For most of us, our minds operate at peak performance in the morning hours when we’re well rested.  So obviously it would be foolish to use this time for a trivial task like reading emails.  These peak performance hours should be 100% dedicated to working on the tasks that bring you closer to your goals.
9. Eat that frog.  Brian Tracy’s classic time-management book Eat That Frog gets its title from a Mark Twain quote that says, if you eat a live frog first thing in the morning, you’ve got it behind you for the rest of the day, and nothing else will be more difficult.  In others words, get the tough stuff done first.
10. Connect with the right people.  Relationships are the basis of business – communication is the basis of relationships.  Successful people associate with people who are likeminded, focused, and supportive.  These people create energy when they enter the room, versus those who create energy when they leave.  Connecting with these positive people in the morning can set you up for a positive day.
11. Stay informed.  Whether you prefer National Public Radio or the Wall Street Journal, spend a few minutes each morning learning about what is going on in the world.  Not only will it educate you, it may change your perspective or inspire your actions for the day.

This morning I was hit with an unexpected $173 withdraw from my chase account. Yeah, its only $20 more than I expected to pay for my student loan this month, but still – that $20 could have gone to gas, food, or other expenses. Graduating from college comes with a huge cost and if you have loan after loan like I do, stress and regret are going to be my new best friends. Unlike my friends, I had to take out loans because my family couldn’t afford to send me to college. Luckily I had grants, but with tuition on the rise and the cost of living up as well, it just wasn’t enough to pay for college.

I look back and wonder what I could have done to prevent myself from taking out so many loans, but then I realized that the loans I took out, part of it when towards helping my family survive during some financial hardships. So I can’t be mad about what occurred, I mean it helped me get where I am today. I guess I’m just frustrated with the fact that my earnings from my job are going to repaying these damn loans.

I live on my own and pay rent, utilities, phone, internet, and gas on my own. If I’m lucky, I can ask my family to get me groceries. Most of my paycheck goes to bills and the rest go on food. It would be nice if I could take trips or buy new clothes for myself, but honestly all those are just luxury things that I can’t afford to spend. I want to save money, but I barely can save. Adulthood has a price and no one could have ever prepared me for this.

What I know for certain is that I am grateful, I am grateful that I have a degree to show for all this. I have a great job that helps me get by each month. When all is said and done…I have a great life.

Like Blue Scholars, I know it’s a struggle and I’m supposed to sweat.

So I’ve finally graduated…

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCK lol

Thanks for reminding me

SONG: Seek Bromance - Avicii

I had somewhat of a meltdown at work today. No, I didn’t bust out cursing at the world while running down the hall screaming, “The end is near!” I probably would be blogging about a different topic today entitled “How I lost my job”. No, it was a different sort of meltdown, one that I am all too familiar with, especially during my college years. You would think after graduating college, you kind of settle down and the stress load isn’t as high as before…well this is half true. YES, I’m settled down and I don’t have much to stress about, but right now I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Its become more of a routine – I wake up, barely get to work, eat, do work, eat, gmail chat, go on my phone, wait until 4, go home, eat, watch some tv on the internet, workout or run, jo, listen to music, then go to bed and start the whole damn thing over. There are some instances where I actually get to hang out with friends and catch up, or hang with the bf and play video games, or just…well you know. But other than that, I feel as though as my life right now is sitting idle and as I sit I ask myself: “WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?”

I am turning 26 this year, I’ve graduated college, I live on my own, I have a car, I have a great job with benefits, I have a boyfriend, I have great friends, I have great roomies, I have a supportive loving family, and God is good…so why do I still feel like something is missing?

I was talking to Lena, Vince, and Sherwin about how I was feeling and I went through the motions of what it might be. Could it be that I need to find a new job? Maybe I need to get a new hobby, maybe I should go back to youtube? Maybe I should pick up playing an instrument or sport? Maybe I should get back to drawing? Ooh writing? Yeah I love writing…and even though I’ve identified what it “might” be, the hard part right now is actually feeling motivated to get there and do something.

For example, the reason I stopped youtube was because I felt it was becoming more a job than a hobby. It’s not fun anymore (don’t get me wrong I loved TGIF, but I just felt the fun being drained from it), and I feel like my viewers aren’t the same viewers that I used to enjoy reading comments from. I still enjoy random folks emailing me about being gay and how to do this and that, THAT I love to do all day everyday without feeling bored. So I guess – helping people? Helping people is something that is lacking from my life…I’m lacking purpose.

During my college career, I felt like I was always busy and I had a purpose. I was busy with school, PACE, being a TA, lesson plans, graduation, relationships, adventures, late night studying, event after event. I joked with Vince saying that I just miss college…he said I was half kidding. But to be honest, I hated that stress…even though I was much skinner when I was. I guess, I need to find something that can keep me occupied and have a purpose along with it.

Mmmmm…I might be over thinking this too. I don’t often get like this, not anymore at least, I’m pretty much sure of what I need to do and when…I guess I am just in a funk and I need to get out of it. Maybe I feel like this because for 8 hours M-F, I’m sitting at a desk, typing away, obtaining benefits for patients, typing away, bored out of my efffing mind (it’s a easy job that pays well though).

I thought about it a few weeks back, maybe I just need to go back to basics and just write. I enjoy writing – I always have. Its that one space that I feel I can eloquently speak without having to edit the way I say it or the way I look when saying it. Its free, it’s a fast, its easy.

So heres the starting point. I’m back to basics…we’ll see where this takes me.