iLIKEJOAQUIN

Today I asked someone if I was fat…

I already know what some of you are thinking, “DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION, IT’S A TRAP!” Without hesitation the person responded by telling me that I could lose some pounds. -_____-;;;; (Depression mode activated)

Growing up in a Pilipino household, you were either too skinny or too fat - you would know this because your mom would always comment on the way you look. My mom always commented on my sister and I would her say it - it sort of like a term of endearment for most Pilipino moms to address your weight. In my situation, my mom always commented how skinny I was and how I should eat more. Mind you, growing up - I ATE. TRUST! I always prided myself with having a high metabolism. I guess the last thing I had on my mind when I was growing up was my weight. Who knew that somewhere between the ages of 23-25, that my metabolism would slow down dramatically.

I don’t consider myself fat - I would lean more towards being thick. In all honesty, I LOVE BEING THICK - theres always something to grab on to. But growing up skinny and realizing one day that you’re not skinny is like waking up in a different body. I recall that moment a few years ago where I woke up, looked in the mirror, grabbed the front of my stomach, looked at myself angrily in the mirror and said, “WHERE THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM?” It was at that moment that I started to realize my body was changing.

I’m not one to work out 4-5 hours in the gym, lift weights as a hobby, or in general work out. My mentality still remains as that skinny kid who feels like they don’t need to work out. I always wanted abs, but never had them. I always wanted really big muscles, I got close. But most of all, I wanted one of those buff chests, but I never got close. Its not so much me giving up on trying to strive for a “better” body, its just that I don’t feel its a priority to do that. I rather do other things like eat, play video games, go out and hang with friends, watch movies, or surf that net - I mean these are activities that I would spend my time on. But in recent months, I guess I’ve been told that I’ve gained “some weight” and that I need to lose “some pounds”.

The idea that I now need to lose weight and work out is so foreign to me. Its something that I obviously am not used to because I never had to worry about my weight to begin with. After working 8 hours, the last thing I wanna do is spend 1-2 hours being more tired. However, its brought up from time to time that I need to work out. I see my friend Mark, buff like a super hero, strutting his stuff, and I think to myself - yeah that would be nice, but honestly I’m okay with my body and I’ve been trying to get used to this “thickness”. During the summer I celebrated my birthday in Vegas - we took some great pictures, but you don’t see me posting them - why. The reason is - after looking at those pictures in Vegas…I was like…”YOU’RE FAT!” I remember getting ready to go to the club one night and I looked at myself in the mirror and I could see that “thickness” pop through my Express shirts - and those dress shirts are tight. It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t like the way I looked.

I guess I only get insecure when others point out that I’ve gained weight and trust me I hear it a lot from my mom every time I go home - instead of the usually you need to eat - its now - you need to lose some weight. So like any human being, I got insecure today at work and I started to feel depressed about my weight. Luckily, I have friends who are both realest and supportive. Supportive friends wont tell you you’re fat, but will say they love you no matter what and that to be yourself. Realest friends are those who will snap you into reality and the truth. I appreciate both because I definitely was feeling crappy today.

For someone who used to be skinny, now being thick, its hard to get used to this new body. Especially, being gay - ugh the standards you have to live up to. You have to dress a certain way, look a certain way, be a certain way to be accepted in the community - I’m sure straight communities are the same, but all I know is this is VERY true for the gay community. But I never got caught up in that - I’m pretty much independent and don’t give a fuck about what others think. I never bought into those lies or into that way of thinking. I’ve always tried to stay true to myself. I guess now…I’m still adjusting being gay and being a lil more thicker than before. Its sad - you see gay people work to death to get the perfect body, but without enjoyment of LIFE, a good looking body does nothing for you but just wastes your time in a smelly building filled with men trying to please others.

I realize though, I need to take care of this body, and for my sake I need to spend a lil more time in trying to exercise and lose some pounds - not for others, but for me and my health. I never wanna do anything to impress others or be forced to do something I don’t want to. So the story continues or in other words, has just begun.

The skinny kid isn’t skinny anymore. He is facing tough insecurities and body image issues that he has to overcome without compromising who he is as a person.

This journey is going to take me well into 2012…I guess I’m starting early. In the end I know that before I love anyone else, I gotta love myself - and I do. Additionally, knowing what you have to overcome is half the battle, doing the actual work is the real battle.

To end on a high note, my sister told me this today…

“We love you no matter what weight you are”

A great reminder =].

I remember when I used to wake up in the mirror and say mmm you alright. But then wishing that I had more thickness to my body. Now I wake up and barely look at the mirror in fear I might see someone unrecognizable…sometimes like today…I feel this way.

I looked at Tins fb of recent pictures she posted and I could not bare to see myself in those pictures…I’m soo fat. I know this cause for my height I am overweight…cries. I never had to deal/feel like this bout weight…I feel all the sitting and eating out this past year has done nothing for me. Eff…I think the break up did something to how I feel bout myself too. Womp.

Maybe thats why I don’t take that many picturs anymore because I feel this way. Womp. Isn’t it crazy how society, your inner demons, and just who you hang around with just makes you feel this way about yourself. I know all bout not paying attention to what people say and do you…I get that…but I’m only human and wish I was back to at least 150 so I could fit back into my pants…

Luckily I have a tv now and I can finally do the P90x right. Sooo…thats what I’ll have to work with the next three months. I mean I am working out after work…sigh I just feel wompy…I don’t want to be fully skinny, nor do I want hella abs, I just wanna be able to fit into my pants again smh…

Wait? Nah I can’t. I’m going to the doc tomorrow so they can find out why my back hurts…hopefully after I can run again. I love running