Today was great because I got to spend time with my sister, cousin, tita, tito, and my amazing-wonderful mom. It was a great mothers day. Particularly the part where my sister told me what my mom said earlier this week about me. As my sister and mom were taking their usual walk in the park, my mom had a question for my sister…the conversation went like this…

“So you know how I came up to Joaqui’s apartment, near the door way I saw a poster board and on that board I saw a piece of paper that said ‘husband’. He was standing in front of me trying to cover the board behind him so I wouldn’t see it, but I saw it and didn’t want to say anything. It confused me because it said something husband and at the end, love husband. So what does that mean? Is he bakla (gay)?” my mom asked with such curiosity.

“Well even if he was, how does that make you feel?” my sister replied.

“Wala (nothing), if that’s how God made him, then that’s how God made him.” my mom said right after.

(This board has all the things we’ve done together…hehe cute right?)

I turned red immediately after my sister told this story (my mom was inside a store purchasing something). I started laughing and I felt embarrassed because she saw the board. I honestly didn’t think my mom saw it, but she obviously did. My sister says that she likes to play dumb, but she obviously saw it. I mean its pretty obvious right, how can you miss that board? 

So today, before we hung out with my cousin, tito, and tita, my sister and my mom needed to use the bathroom. After the were done, I had to use it, but I felt a feeling that my mom was going to tell my sister to look at the ‘husband note’. When I got out, I saw my mom standing next to the board, she then asked me,

“Bakla ka ba? (are you gay)?”

“Ummm mmmmm” I replied with a smile as I grabbed my keys to go.

“What does husband mean?” she continued.

I walked straight pass her and out the door, I felt so embarrassed.

My mom has known I was gay since 2001, after she read a letter from my ex that she opened in the mail. It was then that my mom found out I was gay (well…I assume). Since then, we haven’t really talked about my sexuality because to be honest our relationship has never changed because of it. However, she showed her acceptance in different ways like buying me earrings or by telling me to wear certain things. I mean by now, if my mom doesn’t know I’m gay - I dunno what to tell you lol. Its kind of those, I don’t need to tell you I am because I know you already know and it doesn’t phase me.

So before my sister and mom left today, I gave them both a hug…My mom teased me as she said,

“Goodbye husband!” and started laughing with my sister

As my sister told me, this is her way of finally being vocal about it because when it comes down to it, I’m sure you’d want to introduce who you’re serious with to mom. And it hit me then…she’s right.

My mom loves me and I know that. I mean she chose to adopt me and I know its the best choice she ever did. I’m so grateful for her. I love her and she loves me…that will never change. Even though she has her own opinions about gays, she knows she has a gay son. Its been a process and I appreciate my mom being vocal about it, even if that means her teasing me.

Happy Mothers day to the BEST mom ever =]

I don’t get why she wanted a picture next to the parking sign. LOL her idea, she said it was more interesting. AHHH that’s what I say =] I love my mom

Today I asked someone if I was fat…

I already know what some of you are thinking, “DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION, IT’S A TRAP!” Without hesitation the person responded by telling me that I could lose some pounds. -_____-;;;; (Depression mode activated)

Growing up in a Pilipino household, you were either too skinny or too fat - you would know this because your mom would always comment on the way you look. My mom always commented on my sister and I would her say it - it sort of like a term of endearment for most Pilipino moms to address your weight. In my situation, my mom always commented how skinny I was and how I should eat more. Mind you, growing up - I ATE. TRUST! I always prided myself with having a high metabolism. I guess the last thing I had on my mind when I was growing up was my weight. Who knew that somewhere between the ages of 23-25, that my metabolism would slow down dramatically.

I don’t consider myself fat - I would lean more towards being thick. In all honesty, I LOVE BEING THICK - theres always something to grab on to. But growing up skinny and realizing one day that you’re not skinny is like waking up in a different body. I recall that moment a few years ago where I woke up, looked in the mirror, grabbed the front of my stomach, looked at myself angrily in the mirror and said, “WHERE THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM?” It was at that moment that I started to realize my body was changing.

I’m not one to work out 4-5 hours in the gym, lift weights as a hobby, or in general work out. My mentality still remains as that skinny kid who feels like they don’t need to work out. I always wanted abs, but never had them. I always wanted really big muscles, I got close. But most of all, I wanted one of those buff chests, but I never got close. Its not so much me giving up on trying to strive for a “better” body, its just that I don’t feel its a priority to do that. I rather do other things like eat, play video games, go out and hang with friends, watch movies, or surf that net - I mean these are activities that I would spend my time on. But in recent months, I guess I’ve been told that I’ve gained “some weight” and that I need to lose “some pounds”.

The idea that I now need to lose weight and work out is so foreign to me. Its something that I obviously am not used to because I never had to worry about my weight to begin with. After working 8 hours, the last thing I wanna do is spend 1-2 hours being more tired. However, its brought up from time to time that I need to work out. I see my friend Mark, buff like a super hero, strutting his stuff, and I think to myself - yeah that would be nice, but honestly I’m okay with my body and I’ve been trying to get used to this “thickness”. During the summer I celebrated my birthday in Vegas - we took some great pictures, but you don’t see me posting them - why. The reason is - after looking at those pictures in Vegas…I was like…”YOU’RE FAT!” I remember getting ready to go to the club one night and I looked at myself in the mirror and I could see that “thickness” pop through my Express shirts - and those dress shirts are tight. It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t like the way I looked.

I guess I only get insecure when others point out that I’ve gained weight and trust me I hear it a lot from my mom every time I go home - instead of the usually you need to eat - its now - you need to lose some weight. So like any human being, I got insecure today at work and I started to feel depressed about my weight. Luckily, I have friends who are both realest and supportive. Supportive friends wont tell you you’re fat, but will say they love you no matter what and that to be yourself. Realest friends are those who will snap you into reality and the truth. I appreciate both because I definitely was feeling crappy today.

For someone who used to be skinny, now being thick, its hard to get used to this new body. Especially, being gay - ugh the standards you have to live up to. You have to dress a certain way, look a certain way, be a certain way to be accepted in the community - I’m sure straight communities are the same, but all I know is this is VERY true for the gay community. But I never got caught up in that - I’m pretty much independent and don’t give a fuck about what others think. I never bought into those lies or into that way of thinking. I’ve always tried to stay true to myself. I guess now…I’m still adjusting being gay and being a lil more thicker than before. Its sad - you see gay people work to death to get the perfect body, but without enjoyment of LIFE, a good looking body does nothing for you but just wastes your time in a smelly building filled with men trying to please others.

I realize though, I need to take care of this body, and for my sake I need to spend a lil more time in trying to exercise and lose some pounds - not for others, but for me and my health. I never wanna do anything to impress others or be forced to do something I don’t want to. So the story continues or in other words, has just begun.

The skinny kid isn’t skinny anymore. He is facing tough insecurities and body image issues that he has to overcome without compromising who he is as a person.

This journey is going to take me well into 2012…I guess I’m starting early. In the end I know that before I love anyone else, I gotta love myself - and I do. Additionally, knowing what you have to overcome is half the battle, doing the actual work is the real battle.

To end on a high note, my sister told me this today…

“We love you no matter what weight you are”

A great reminder =].

I’ve worked hard to get where I am today and it wasn’t easy. I’ve been through hell and so has my family. There was a point where I remembered I had .83 cents in my bank account because I was living pay check to pay check. I never asked for help from my family because they couldn’t help me. I didn’t ask my friends because I was embarrassed. At one point, I had to reach out to my boss and my friend for a lil assistance. It was then that I knew it got really bad. I’ve seen bad and I’ve seen the worst…To think…this was just only a few years back.

When a person understands the worth of money, you are more grateful for what you have as oppose to what you don’t have. You know the hustle and you are on the grind 24/7.

LUCKILY, all has changed and I am in a better place than I have ever could imagine. I’ve helped paid my family to get back on their feet, I’ve helped myself get back on mine, even when I had very little money - I still was able to help those around me - all within the past two years. Money was able to buy those around me happiness and I’m glad I was able to give them that.

My mom taught me that money comes and goes, so spend it when you can. So thats what I do, I spend it when I can - on those who I love and care about. I’m pretty good with money - I know how to balance things. I’m pretty much independent. I live in my own place, pay bills on my own, and everything in between.

Tonight, I bought my sister the kindle fire and my mom a kitchenaid mixer. To see them smile is worth every penny. To be able to give back to them like they did to me when I was growing up makes me super happy. Its like…damn I got that…and damn it feels so good. The price of something doesn’t matter to me, just as long as the person I’m giving it to is happy and loves it. My mom and sister both love it =].

Growing up I learned that no matter who you give money to - as long as you feel it in your heart to - then thats all God can of you. So whenever I see those people asking for money, I give what I can.

Two days ago, my mom told me about my cousins in the Philippines who don’t have anything and who haven’t tasted a new pair of shoes. Even though I don’t know these cousins of mine, I just felt like I had to throw down and give em a lil hope for this coming holidy. When you have the luxury of buying stuff for you, your family, and friends just for fun - you should be able to give back to those who have nothing. So thats exactly what I did.

Anyway, the point is, money does buy you happiness - and its an amazing feeling especially if you can give back to your family who has given so much to you. Money should not only be saved, but it should also be shared by those who you love and by those who need it. Money will always come back, spend it while you can, don’t worry about how much you have left, enjoy it.

Money does buy you happiness especially if you know what kind sometimes…money can buy you hope =] I know thats what money has done to me and my family.