For 20 years, Pilipin@s in San Francisco have gathered in the summer to celebrate the rich Pilipin@ culture by attending Pistahan. For 20 years, Pilipin@s have left their mark in the San Francisco community through song, dance, and food. For 20 years, SF has changed along with its Pilipino community. For 20 years, Pilipin@s have created his/herstory in SF.

We have to ask ourselves, as Pilipin@/Pilipin@ Americans, what does the next 20 years look like? How will we shape our Pilipin@ community? How will we preserve our his/herstory? How will we continue to leave our mark as the years pass? What will we do to help keep our culture alive?

I am so humbled to be selected as this years Festivals Manager and I can’t wait for what this year has in store for Pistahan. Its going to be an amazing ride. How will I leave my mark within the Pilipin@ community in SF?

I’ll start here with Pistahan.

When you leave this world, what mark/legacy will you leave behind? 

On Friday of last week, I weighed myself for the first time and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…155? No fucking way. I was tripping out in the bathroom. I could not believe what I was seeing. I remember just a few months ago I was 175-180…now I’m at 155? REALLY? Thats fucking crazy.

I don’t boast about my weight and how much I lost, but g’damn…foreal? Its still hard for me to believe because I’ve been feeling like theres been no progress…I guess I’m wrong. The beginning of this year I was a little bit big. I started to not fit into my pants that I used to be able to fit in, I started to be uncomfortable in my own skin, I started to gain weight.

Though I was happy with how I looked…I felt the pressure to lose weight for someone else. Sometimes I did it because I wanted to, but most times it was because I had to keep up this “image”…Well I’m 155 now…this is fucking crazy.

It wasn’t until a few days ago that I decided to refit the jeans that didn’t fit me anymore…and I fucking fit them again!!! I never thought I would. Within a year I fucking lost 25 pounds and I continue to lose more. To some extent I feel like the lost of weight was attributed to me not eating as much, but in all honesty, I just don’t eat dinner. Other than that, I have a good breakfast and lunch.

I mean…I wasn’t always like this…I didn’t always prepare my lunch, watch what I ate, and added a work out because I was skinny…I think I’ve come a long way and I have to give myself some credit…I fucking lost weight…I really did.

Though I still constantly fight my inner demons in how I look and feeling beautiful…I remind myself…dude you fucking fit in a small shirt!!!! LOL I think thats awesome…

Now I don’t believe in being super skinny because thats not cute, but I do believe that adding a workout is good and at the end of the day you gotta have some physical activity. Shit…since I ain’t having sex, might as well work it out.

Its been a long and hard road and I still can’t believe it…I’ve never been so happy about my body until last Friday…it almost made me cry…but not because I was sad…but because I fucking did it for me.

I’ve dated many guys in my past and each one taught me something about myself. Taught me that I needed to be patient, understanding, kind, and most of all true to who I am as a person. There was one moment in my life that I was head over heels for this one kid, I say kid because he literally was, and he had this charm about him that I had never met in a guy. To my surprise, he was into me…but the thing was…he was still caught up with his ex…ALTHOUGH, I caution people in getting into something with someone who has feelings still for their ex, I still went for it. Knowing that I was going to be 100% with myself and show this guy that there’s something better…and that was me. It didn’t work out unfortunately, but I was proud of myself in the end because I knew I did everything in my power to give LOVE the way I would want someone to give LOVE to me. I went on my way with my head up high and he went back to his ex. As much as I was a little bit disappointed, I couldn’t beat myself up for something that was not in my control. I was 100 with myself and I was proud of that.

There was a time where I was dating this guy and he wanted me to be with him every second and every hour of every day. Which I didn’t mind at first, but it got to the point where if I left his side that he would think I didn’t love him anymore. He always questioned me and pushed my buttons. He would try to catch my “bluff” or try to set me up to make me look like I was lying. Its funny because there are many guys I’ve dated that felt I was lying or hiding something from them or that I was just a player. Its funny because I am far from that and I always had to prove to them that they were my one and only…even at that…it didn’t matter because they would bring up BS, throw shade at me, bring this and that on my court, and get me so mad. Sometimes I had to be the bigger person and just stay calm because the other person was doing enough damage for both of us. Although there were moments where I lashed back. I’ve learned enough about patience, trust, and integrity. I just don’t think the people I date or get with know what that is when getting with me.

There were also moments where I was into a guy because they were sooo handsome. I mean gaddd I have some great track records with guys if I say so myself. I mean FIONEEE. lol, but the only thing was…they had nothing going for them…or they just didn’t know how to carry a conversation. You know…they had the body, but no brains…or they had the body and brains but they were arrogant as FUCKK! I’m a sucker for attractive guys, but I know that when I have an attractive guy on my jock that I gotta be cautious. Not because I don’t trust them off the bat, but because attractive guys have this attitude that they can get ANYBODY and ANYONE that they please. I don’t even need to go into detail, you know when you spot one…so am I already assuming and stereotyping a person…yeah…but thats just being real right? Funny thing is…thats how guys see me. LOL I find it SOOOOOO funny that guys think I have a line of folks trying to get at me and be with me. I find it funny that guys think that I’m a fucking snob or a bitch…I find it funny that guys feel like they can’t trust me. To those I say, FUCKK OFF lol.

Being single…well thats the best time in someones life especially after being in a relationship because you realize how much more free time you have to yourself. There might be the occasional flirting here and there with guys, but you’re not tied to them. Being single is the best because you get to do whatever the fuck you want. PLUS…you can save up money. LOL. I’m at a point in my life where OF COURSE I would love to be with someone again…but really, I can hold my own and carry myself by myself until that time comes. I got so much to be grateful for in my life. I have an amazing life…that a boyfriend would just be the cherry on top. I have my shit together, unfortunately I can’t say the same for the guys that holler. lol. Being single…I’m ok with it. I’m finally getting used to it…its nice. But don’t get me wrong, that moment where you wish you had someone can hit you real hard…real hard…

We are addicted to our thoughts.
We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.

Your thoughts today create your life tomorrow.  Here are twelve destructive thoughts to flush out of your mind.

1. “My past is indicative of my future.” – Do not judge failed attempts and mistakes as an indication of your future potential, but as part of the growth process.  Something does not have to end well for it to have been one of the most valuable experiences of a lifetime.  When times get tough, take a deep breath.  Know that most great things come when you least expect it.  Keep working on YOU and it will work itself out.  Being defeated is a temporary condition; giving up is what makes it permanent.
2. “I care what they think of me.” – Ignore the rude people who talk about you behind your back.  That’s exactly where they belong, behind your back.  Being strong doesn’t mean you always have to fight the battle.  True strength is being wise enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.  Read The Four Agreements.
3. “I’ll do what makes me happy someday.” – Sometimes in your quest to make everyone else happy, you make yourself miserable.  Remember,today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you will ever be again.  It’s kind of scary, but it’s true.  If there was ever a perfect moment to follow your values and pursue your own dreams, that moment is now.
4. “I can’t,” “It’s too late,” “I’m not good enough,” etc. – We never know where we will be at the end of our journey.  We do, however, know where we are today; and from here we can mine our hope and love to set the course forward.  Our attitude shifts our sails and ultimately determines not only our final destination, but more importantly, the voyage and experiences along the way.
5. “There’s so much that could go wrong.” – Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start thinking of what could go right.  Better yet, think of everything that already is right.  Be thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family, and past dreams and goals that turned into realities.  Use these positive points to fuel an even brighter tomorrow.
6. “I will never forgive you.” – It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it’s been hurt.  If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.  You are stronger now and better equipped to find the kind of love you deserve.  Read You Can Heal Your Life.
7. “I don’t like them because they’re broken.” – As you grow you will discover that you were blessed with two great hands – one for helping yourself, and one from helping others.  Be someone who builds and nurtures with an understanding and forgiving heart.  Be someone who looks for the best in people and leaves them a little stronger than you found them.  And always be careful of how you judge people – you can’t sum up a person’s entire existence in one moment.
8. “I am too unhappy to make anyone else happy.” – Happiness is a boomerang.  When you catch yourself feeling unhappy, doing something small that makes someone else happy, and I guarantee you, when they smile, it will be hard not to smile back.
9. “I can’t trust anyone.” – We often keep our hearts closed, not because we don’t trust others not to leave us, let us down, or stop loving us, but because we don’t trust ourselves to survive the pain of them leaving, letting us down, or not loving us anymore.  How ironic, considering that only by suffering through these very losses, do we come to realize our true strength.  Remember, like a tiny seed, in order to grow, we need to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, rained on, and forced to struggle slowly to reach the light.
10. “Everyone else is doing it, so it must be right.” – Live YOUR life.  Never hide who you are.  The only shame is to have shame.  Stand up for what you believe in.  Question what other people tell you when it doesn’t feel right.  If you follow the crowd, you will go no further than the crowd.  But if you walk alone, follow your gut, and carve your own path, you will likely find yourself in places no one has ever been before.
11. “It will never get better.” / “It will never get worse.” – This too shall pass.  When life is rough, remember, it won’t always be this way.  So take one day at a time.  And when life is great, remember, it won’t always be this way.  So appreciate every great moment.  Read The Power of Now.
12. “I don’t have time to dream.” – The real tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your dream; it lies in having no dream to reach.  Devote yourself to an idea you believe in.  Follow your gut.  Overcome your fears.  Work on it.  Struggle with it.  Smile about it.  Make it happen.  This is your life and your dream – no one else’s.  And remember, you don’t have to see the whole staircase; you just have to take one step at a time.

Don’t forget, when you stop doing the wrong things, the right things eventually catch you.

So make sure you’re not…

1. Making blind judgments. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show you.  What you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain.  Too often we jump to conclusions, only to cause ourselves and others unnecessary worry, hurt, and anger.  So exercise restraint, be kind, and save the jumping for joy.
2. Expecting people to be perfect. – When you open up to love, you must be open up to getting hurt as well.  If you expect to love someone, and not have disappointment every now and then, then you don’t want love, you want something perfect that doesn’t exist.  When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can start appreciating them for who they truly are.  Read The 5 Love Languages.
3. Focusing on everything and everyone except YOU. – Make the world a better place one person at a time, and start with YOU.  If you’relooking out into the world to find where your purpose resides, stop, and look inside instead.  Look at who you already are, the lifestyle you choose to live, and what makes you come alive.  Then nurture these things and let them grow until your current life can no longer contain them.  And finally, as you’re being forced to grow, follow them into the world with courage, trusting that where they will take you will be where your purpose finds its home.
4. Holding on to the wrong things for too long. – To let go isn’t to forget.  Letting go involves cherishing the memories, overcoming the obstacles, and moving on.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow.  It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead.  It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes and continue taking positive steps forward.
5. Denying your mistakes. – Mistakes are almost always forgivable if you have the courage to admit them.  You have to be courageous and wise enough to know that if what you are doing isn’t producing the desired results, you must take different actions.  Sometimes falling flat on your face is exactly what’s needed to help you see things from a totally different perspective, and get back on track.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
6. Avoiding your fears. – Go to your fears, sit with them, and stare at them.  Your fears are your friend; their only job is to show you undeveloped parts of yourself that you need to cultivate to live a happy life.  The more you do the things you’re most afraid of doing, the more life opens up.  Embrace your fears and your fears will embrace you.
7. Accepting less than you know you deserve. – Do not sacrifice your heart or your dignity.  Love yourself enough to never lower your standards for the wrong reasons.  Do not get so anxious for something that you’ll accept anything.  Hold to your standards and be willing to walk away, with your head held high.
8. Storing mental clutter. – Just as you don’t move from one home to another without first sorting through what you’ve gathered over the years, throwing away what is broken and no longer useful, so too should you do the same with what you’ve mentally gathered, before you move on.  Do some sorting, throw away regrets and old pains, and take only the treasures worth keeping: The lessons, the love, and the best of what you’ve lived.
9. Worrying about things that can’t be changed. – One of the happiest moments ever is when you feel the courage to let go of what you can’t change.  Refuse to ruin a perfectly good today by thinking about a bad yesterday.  The past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased.  However, the lessons learned can prepare you for a brighter tomorrow.  Read The Power of Now.
10. Letting hope gradually slip away. – Every mistake, breakup, and setback in life is an opportunity to do it better next time.  So keep your head held high.  We can live without a lot of things, but hope isn’t one of them.  Cultivate hope by latching onto stories of triumph, and words that inspire.  But most of all, listen to the quiet whisper of your inner strength when it tells you that this is only temporary, and that you will get through this stronger than you were before.
11. Thinking it’s too late. – Whether you know it or not the rest of your life is being shaped right now.  You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices, or you can fight back.  Things aren’t always going to be fair in the real world; that’s just the way it is.  But for the most part you get what you give.  The rest of your life is being shaped by the goals you chase, the choices you make, and the actions you take.  The rest of your life is a long time, and it starts right now.

This morning I was hit with an unexpected $173 withdraw from my chase account. Yeah, its only $20 more than I expected to pay for my student loan this month, but still – that $20 could have gone to gas, food, or other expenses. Graduating from college comes with a huge cost and if you have loan after loan like I do, stress and regret are going to be my new best friends. Unlike my friends, I had to take out loans because my family couldn’t afford to send me to college. Luckily I had grants, but with tuition on the rise and the cost of living up as well, it just wasn’t enough to pay for college.

I look back and wonder what I could have done to prevent myself from taking out so many loans, but then I realized that the loans I took out, part of it when towards helping my family survive during some financial hardships. So I can’t be mad about what occurred, I mean it helped me get where I am today. I guess I’m just frustrated with the fact that my earnings from my job are going to repaying these damn loans.

I live on my own and pay rent, utilities, phone, internet, and gas on my own. If I’m lucky, I can ask my family to get me groceries. Most of my paycheck goes to bills and the rest go on food. It would be nice if I could take trips or buy new clothes for myself, but honestly all those are just luxury things that I can’t afford to spend. I want to save money, but I barely can save. Adulthood has a price and no one could have ever prepared me for this.

What I know for certain is that I am grateful, I am grateful that I have a degree to show for all this. I have a great job that helps me get by each month. When all is said and done…I have a great life.

Like Blue Scholars, I know it’s a struggle and I’m supposed to sweat.

So I’ve finally graduated…

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCK lol

Thanks for reminding me

To be completely frank, I was irritated when I read what Manny Pacquio had to say about Gay marriage. Coming from someone who nearly got divorced and who has cheated on his wife multiple times, he has some nerve to act all high and mighty. Now, I’m a firm believer of “to each his own” and people having opinions, but when I feel like someone is attacking who I am as a person – that’s where we got a problem.

I’ve been a supporter of Manny for years, not only because he’s Pilipino, but because he’s a fighter – and a damn good one. He was recently named one of the most influential athletes by Forbes, which doesn’t surprise me because he not only inspires Pilipinos, but people of different race, creed, and sex. Learning what Manny had to say about gay marriage was truly disappointing news and it angers me. It makes me feel ashamed to call him a role model for people to be proud of. A bigot and a homophobe should never be celebrated – EVER.  

In Manny’s response to President Obama’s support for gay marriage, he states, 

“God only expects man and woman to be together and to be legally married, only if they so are in love with each other.” 

God also expects that when you get married that you stay true to that one person “till death do us part” and to not have sex before marriage. Manny, can you honestly say that you’ve done just this?

Manny continues to add, 

“It should not be of the same sex so as to adulterate the altar of matrimony, like in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah of old,” 

Again, your self righteous thinking has made you look hypocritical. If we want to quote scripture, then let it be known that it states, 

“You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:28. 

Don’t you have several on your body? Here’s another verse from the bible,

“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.” 1 Timothy 2:9. 

I’m sure you’ve given your wife gifts, wore gold around your waist, and have lavish garments. Doesn’t this mean you are committing a grave sin as we speak?

Manny, before you start quoting scripture, PLEASE re-read what the bible says. The bible was written by man Manny, which contradicts your belief when you say, 

“God’s words first … obey God’s law first before considering the laws of man.” 

Isn’t the bible written by man, so wouldn’t it be safe to say that we are considering the laws of man because man wrote the bible?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a practicing Catholic and I’m just trying to justify a point here. In no way do I have the right to judge Manny for his past, but what gives him the right to judge my lifestyle? Before you go on feeling self righteous about another group, look at your own life and be weary of what you take literal when you read the bible. I remember being in ASB in high school and we had to amend our constitution because some of the things didn’t apply anymore. We had to do it to reflect the current state of our student body. In my opinion, I think the bible should be amended to reflect the current times and people and still keep the Lords words to be true. Things have changed and not everything in the bible applies today. I’m sure God knows this. 

I personally believe, God gave us his teachings as a model for us to live by and to ultimately be Christ-like – Christians. Just like when someone gives you advice, you take it with a grain of salt and learn from it. God gave us the freedom to do good, to feel, and to make a positive difference in the world. God doesn’t care who you love, just as long as you love and make this world a better place than you entered it.

With all the suicides that have occurred and bullying because of people being “different” or “gay”, you would think more people would be on the right side of history. 

But that’s not the case. It saddens me to hear how backwards some people’s thinking’s are.

Open your eyes, open your ears, open your hearts – gay people are no different from you. Gay people are not second class citizens.

When celebrities and influential people use their power for hate, you create a bigger divide, creating more problems for the gay youth/community, the closeted, and people like me to feel “normal”.

You segregate the “normal” from the “weird”.

You make it known that I am not like you and that I don’t deserve the same rights that you are privileged to have.

You make it known that I have no voice in society because what you say is right because the bible tells you so.

All this sounds like history repeating its self.

Different era…

Different people…

Same damn struggle.

Manny, somewhere in the world, you’ve made someone feel less than they should. Somewhere in the world, you’ve once again confirmed publicly that gay people are not normal and that it’s wrong to be gay. Somewhere in the world you’ve made someone second guess their life’s worth. With fame, comes responsibility Manny. I hold you accountable for your actions and opinions.

You don’t need my support and I certainly don’t need yours, however I hope one day you’ll come to realize what you say and do, do not reflect Gods teachings, they reflect a bigot and homophobic way of life.

-

Being gay myself, I feel a need to voice how I feel and be heard. I invite those to do the same