ITS THAT TIME! GRADUATION! :D ahhhhh crazyyyy moment for me reliving all this again…

This morning I was hit with an unexpected $173 withdraw from my chase account. Yeah, its only $20 more than I expected to pay for my student loan this month, but still – that $20 could have gone to gas, food, or other expenses. Graduating from college comes with a huge cost and if you have loan after loan like I do, stress and regret are going to be my new best friends. Unlike my friends, I had to take out loans because my family couldn’t afford to send me to college. Luckily I had grants, but with tuition on the rise and the cost of living up as well, it just wasn’t enough to pay for college.

I look back and wonder what I could have done to prevent myself from taking out so many loans, but then I realized that the loans I took out, part of it when towards helping my family survive during some financial hardships. So I can’t be mad about what occurred, I mean it helped me get where I am today. I guess I’m just frustrated with the fact that my earnings from my job are going to repaying these damn loans.

I live on my own and pay rent, utilities, phone, internet, and gas on my own. If I’m lucky, I can ask my family to get me groceries. Most of my paycheck goes to bills and the rest go on food. It would be nice if I could take trips or buy new clothes for myself, but honestly all those are just luxury things that I can’t afford to spend. I want to save money, but I barely can save. Adulthood has a price and no one could have ever prepared me for this.

What I know for certain is that I am grateful, I am grateful that I have a degree to show for all this. I have a great job that helps me get by each month. When all is said and done…I have a great life.

Like Blue Scholars, I know it’s a struggle and I’m supposed to sweat.

So I’ve finally graduated…

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCK lol

Thanks for reminding me

What I will always admire about San Francisco State University is the University’s commitment to serve the community. In all the classes that I experienced during my time at SFSU, it was clear that community engagement, giving back, was a priority in many professors curriculum. It gave students more understanding to why we were learning about the Third World Liberation Front, why SFSU has the only college of Ethnic studies in the nation, and why students like me continue to give back to the community – it stemmed from our roots and our history.

I grew to love SFSU as time went on. I met several faculty who moved and inspired me to learn, experience classes that made me critically of the world in a different way, and joined organizations like the Pilipino American Collegiate Endeavor (PACE) to learn more about my roots. I’m sure other college campuses have a similar model like SFSU; however there is something deeply rooted in SFSU that makes it more special than the rest.

College for me was not only about projects and deadlines, but also understanding and learning more about myself through the classes I took. These classes gave me insight to other cultures and teaching that I related back to my own Pilipino culture. At one point, I became so versed with Asian American issues and topics that I became comfortable enough to facilitate workshops for others. Through this, I was able to teach what I learned and give back to my community – it gave me purpose. Never did I think I was going to have an opportunity to give back to my community the way that I did. It was amazing.

Sometimes it felt more like a right of passage for me to give back. No one forced me to do outreach or be involved; I just felt the need to do something during my time. Yeah I went to college to learn, but SFSU really taught me that there’s more to learning than just sitting in a classroom – you have to engage with the community around.

College was never boring. I always had something to do each day. It was exciting and each year a new batch of students came to have the same opportunity to experience that. So when folks ask what college to choose from, I of course boast about SFSU, but you’ll have to experience it for yourself to understand.

College ultimately is an opportunity of enlightenment – whether a community college, public university, or UC, college is a stepping stone to reach our full potential as human beings. When we choose to make a difference we can impact our community in so many ways.

Thank you SFSU, you’ve given me so much more than just a degree, you’ve given me a template of how I can impact the world one day at time.  

I decided to repost this blog that I wrote on April 3, 2010. I’m happy with my boyfriend and if it weren’t for all these douche bags…I wouldn’t be where I am today. Its just funny to look back at how much bullshit I went through…haha smh enjoy!

…

A few days ago I had decided to make a list at work (my mind wanders as you are about to read) of the guys that did me right, fucked me over, and those guys that just are DOUCHE BAGS. So who made the cut? ha. I guess this was my bit of therapy at work while dealing with the constant question of why the fuck am I still single? Well here goes.

THE WORST: I think out of all the guys that I experienced, the one who hurt me the most was T. FUCK that bitch. lol, I can laugh about it now and if I ever did see him again I wouldn’t think much of it. However, when I look back at 2 years go, its like DAMNNNN you was a bitchh and a fucking liar who manipulated me into thinking he was “STRAIGHT” and he was “SINGLE” which both were complete lies. I never got burned this hard ever and even after that did I ever experience the worst when I was with this dude. There was something about him…a swagger I couldn’t pin point, but it made me want to go out of my way to just be there. My friends thought he wasn’t that great to begin with and well … I never listen right lol. So when I did tell one of my friends about him, they told me that we had a mutual friend who was actually dating him…for like almost a year. I was kind of shocked, but I still went through with it. Long story short…we hung out one night and I dropped him off…We actually never kissed surprisingly…but a lot of heated tension was there and flirting. Anyway, I dropped him off to find that his current bf was there waiting for him…and it was raining LMAO HAHAH holy crap it was like a scene from a movie. THE BOYFRIEND who waited until his boo came home so he could smash the trick he was with…and that trick happened to be me. lol But all said and done…T did all he could to prove that he was innocent…he apologized…I still wanted to be his friend…blah blah…HOT MESS! haha goes to show that trust issues can be broken by only one person…and after that…all the relationships you get with are based on that person and moment…Its true for me…can’t help it right? I MEAN BITCH REALLY LIED lol haha…shrugs the past is the past…but he was definitely the WORST!

THE CRUSH A LOT: B was one of the first guys I met not on the internet. I was excited because he was cute…I only knew he was gay because his cousin told me he was. After that…I tried to get to know him…something in the middle got complicated and we never got together…not even talked. He was cute…we’d text each other randomly and well I was confused at times with him. He was the type that liked attention given to him, but never reciprocating any of it to me. I guess I was just a fool. This was my sophomore year (sigh things were so much nicer back then lol). Flash back a year later…we ended up drunk at his place and I kissed him…AFTER all that not doing stuff with him…that kiss definitely ruined it for me and him. I was like, “WTF? THIS IS WHAT I WANTED?” lol nah but its one of those things where it just didn’t click after the kiss…I was like ugh this is lame…and left lol haha.

Then there was R. OHHHH fuckking R. When I was with my boyfriend my freshman year, all I could think of is how I wanted him instead LMAO HAHA was that bad? But then again he was the guy that was supppper adorable and supppper cute. He had that face, he had swagger, and he said and did things that would make you want to be with him. After a few months or so…we did try to get with each other…or at least I did…but he ended things with me telling me he was focused on school and everything else…I was bummed out…NEXT THING YOU KNOW a few weeks later a mutual person we know IMs me saying that he knew I liked R and there was something between us. I was like yeah there was whats it to you. He goes, well a few weeks ago…I fucked him. GASP *JAW DROPS* the same week he decided to not talk and text me. I was like WTFFFFFFF. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so mad because I thought we were doing great…but turns out he was just trying to give it up to this bitch. LOL…Funny thing is I haven’t talked or spoken to him in years…until he texted me two days ago asking how I knew a roommate of mine…I was like WHATEVER lol…I was sprung on him…unfortunately he never felt the same.

BOY this is getting juicy. lol There was J. THE CUTEST UNDERAGED BITCH I knew LMAO HAHAHAHAHA. At the time I thought he was at least 18…or 17…LOL when we first met…he told me he was 16 turning 17. LOL I was like wtffffff LMAO haha I was like 21 I think. Anyway, he and I were trying to work it out…but I so turned off because he always had to rub in his SMARTness to me. How he has a 4.0 or whatever. Which was great, but damn do you need to rub it in. He also was trying to beat me up cause he does martial arts and shit. I was like damn…He was super hot though. I was like DAMNNN foreal, but just connection wise…I was a lot older and he was just in hs…I was like how the fuck does this work? I had to drop him and when I did he goes, “OH thats fine I know someone else whos smarter, my age, has a job, and drives…so see ya.” I’m like WTF? LOL I laughed it off…a few years later I guess we met up again trying to rekindle whatever it was…but there was nothing…just sexual tension lol.

Then theres A. Oh A. When I first saw him I thought he was sooooo adorable. Looks can be deceiving. He messaged me first (he was always the one messaging me first). At the time he was with this bf and I thought it was weird how he would always text me to go to a club or go meet him somewhere and I’m like so how does your bf feel about this and he goes he’s jealous. I was like alright. haha I never met him until 2 months later after he tells me that hes actually broken up with his bf. I’m like this bitch. I was hesitant, but I did it anyway. When I met him…I tried my hardest not to smile or think he was cute. BUT this fool was hitting all the right places with spitting game and everything. He was telling me he was over his ex and all that stuff (which in my head I knew was bs). He was also just saying how he wanted to go on a date with me and all that stuff…I dunno things moved fast, but I just felt like alright sure…I’ll take the risk. Long story short…he tells me one day he wasn’t over his ex after all and drops me. Now…he just wants to be FRIENDS and stresses the FRIENDS part…He’s a total douche…reminds me of T because he did exactly the same thing to me that T did…LIE. He also has a good way of making himself look and sound like the victim or the right person…Its fine…I think at this point this is my goodbye to this bitch. I can’t laugh at it yet cause its still fresh. I’m definitely over him. He’s the 2nd worst.

Now…those were just the beginning…those were the good and bad, but the following were the ROUGHEST and craziest relationships I’ve been in.

THE STRESS: I knew K for a while, but I remember him telling me he tried to hollah at me to go to some bus and I ignored him. Well shit…wtf was I supposed to do lol. He had this accent which I thought was so cute. I remember the first time I met him, I went out of my way to go to the Castro to meet him. He was still getting over his ex…ugh. I noticed that, I get with folks who are just out of a relationship…and a bad one for that matter. Anyway, at the end of the night I remember him saying to his friend, “Awww I like this one.” AWW it still makes me smile because its so simple but it means a lot you know. Anyway fast forward…I was always at his place more than mine…I disappeared and I dunno how I did it cause didn’t I have school? LOL I felt like I didn’t have school. it was funny…Oh cause I was on break…FUCK well it was nice because I felt comfortable being there with him, but then at the same time I felt like fuckkk I don’t have room to miss him…We were dating for almost three months already and its like fuckk when are we gonna be official. The bad thing about this was I always had to prove myself to him. I had to prove to him that I wasn’t like this or that. I was doing this because I loved him blah blah. I did stuff for him that I never did for people. I gave up myself to make him happy. It was then that I realized fuck…I can’t do this. We even took a socal trip with my friends with him…and that just proved shit if you can’t hang with me in a trip…then how can I hang with being with you? I broke it off…and he then was like wait…no…he wanted me back…he was begging and he told me that he doesn’t beg…I guess I was just fed up with all the bs that I went through with him, all the fights that weren’t necessary, all the yelling, all the uncertainty afterwards. I was like I can’t do this…I just wanted a break…but it ended up being a total break. He got me nervous to the point where I cried to him cause I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t stop. He looked at me and was like “WTF why you crying.” It just felt cold…and after 3 months of just being together…thats you get? He was the closest I had to a REAL BF relationship…it just went so wrong in so many areas…I thought about him a few days ago…just wondering maybe I gave up to fast? =/ Nah…I had to let it go…I wonder if he learned anything from us…

Soon after…I met this guy named J…BOY oh boy…it started off as just friends, then business, then mixing friends with business…I’m just like wtf. Everything I said was twisted and again I felt like I had to prove myself. This guy was a grown ass man, but I felt more mature than he was. He wasn’t even out. When folks introduce me to their families or friends…I feel more connected…and thats what happened…I was connected with him…however, he always got mad at me for the simple things, bring up the past, push my buttons. He even threatened to key my car one time…I broke it off cause we were business partners that turned relationship status…I liked him…I did stuff for him, but I just felt like I was pushing it and he was definitely pushing my buttons. At the time I was dealing with a lot of depression in my life and it seemed that was my scape goat…but I felt like if I didn’t get out of that relationship…I woulda killed myself. We didn’t even last two months into getting to know each other…it was too crazy begin with. STRESS STRESS…he was probably the third worst…ugh…

I learned a lot from both of these relationships though and I don’t hate them at all, I hated the situation that we were in. THERES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

THE BEST GAY STORY EVER!

During college I had experienced good and bad relationships. I had some good ones, but I had a dozen really bad ones (I’m not even exaggerating lol). I learned some valuable lessons that stuck with me after a break up.

Be 100 with yourself, the word LOVE shouldn’t be held back, and its okay to argue - its healthy. But the one important lesson I learned quickly and something that is important to realize early in a relationship is…being in a relationship doesn’t require one to ALWAYS be next to their boyfriend 24/7.

My first “boyfriend” was long distance. By long distance I mean all the way across the US, Maryland to be exact. At 16, there weren’t outlets like myspace, downelink, youtube, or even tumblr to meet other gay guys. You know what we had - AIM, findapix, and xanga lol. Anyway, I don’t recall how it came to be, but we ended up being together even though he was miles and miles away. Though we never saw each other (until years later in college), the feeling of being loved and someone loving you back was all worth the relationship. Even though we never touched, kissed, or had sex, that connection was the base of our relationship. Looking back at it now and knowing all that I do - it was a little bit naive of me, however it worked. This experience taught me first had what it means to love someone even if that meant not being physically next to them.

In college, I met this guy who was the same age as me, was attending school for graphic design, and who had a really cute British accent. The first time we hung out it was cute, he told his friends, “I really like this one.” And soon enough, we became exclusive. However, it came with a price. We argued a lot in the beginning because he had his doubts about me, trust issues, and whatever crazy things you can think of to start a fight. It was so stressful on my end because I felt misunderstood and I felt the guy wasn’t really seeing me for me. At the time, I was the only one who had a car and the dude lived all the way in Emeryville. YOU KNOW HOW FAR THAT IS FROM SF? Shoot. The point is, I wanted to see him every time that I could even though he was far. I spent a lot of time over at his place, to the point where I felt like I lived there. Even my friends began to notice my absence and felt like they missing out in my life. So I lessened the time I went across the bay, but what came after resulted in some crazy as shit. The dude felt as though I didn’t love him anymore, that I didn’t care, and started to get all paranoid. I started to break out on my face because he stressed me out so much. So I had to break it off. The moral of that relationship was, the guy didn’t trust in what we had established and wanted us to be together EVERY DAY. We didn’t have a chance to really miss each other and unfortunately he didn’t see it that way. I learned once again that you don’t need to be next to someone ALL the time to prove to someone you care or you love them. You should already feel and know that they are down for you.

After that relationship, I started to question some things…why I was alone, why I did what I did, or if what I did was wrong. But I was reassured that I being co-dependent on someone else for your happiness is not healthy and that you need to be able to stand alone in a relationship. They aren’t your everything, rather they are a part of a bigger picture. I soon realized that it wasn’t just happening to me. I saw this unhealthy relationship with my best friend at the time. He would always be with his girlfriend and vice versa. It felt more mandatory than pleasure to be with each other. You could also see it. The conversation seemed to go something like,

“Hey babe what do you wanna do?”

“Mmmm I don’t know. Just stay with me”

“Oh, well can I hang out with my friends…”

“Oh I’m not invited? They’re my friends too.”

“Oh…well…okay yeah lets all hang out then.”

It was sort of annoying because instead of me wanting to hang out with my best friend, I felt obligated to hang out with him and his girlfriend. Which I didn’t mind because she was my friend too, but it was like DAMN can I get some one on one time with my friend? That’s when you start to ask yourself, does this person depend on me too much for their happiness? I could go on and on about this story, but point is, I wasn’t the only one who experience the “PACKAGE” deal. Meaning you can’t just get one - you have to get both. Which I told myself, I never want to be in a relationship like that. Its not me and I don’t like it. You hanging out with other friends or being out without your significant other doesn’t mean that you don’t care - it just means that you both live two different lives even before you two found each other, so keep it that way. But don’t get it twisted with cupcaking/cuddling/monthasries/important dates - sometimes you just wanna be with that person because its important or you haven’t spent much time with each other. In relationships, I feel like its important to BREATHE, instead of being suffocated by another.

When it comes to relationships, I really feel like there needs to be a balance. A balance of wanting to be with that person and not being with that person. If ones relationship is strong, then you don’t need to always be with one another and its okay to keep two separate lives. Again, you just have to have an open dialogue with your significant other before you get it twisted. Take it from me, I know a thing or two about this stuff.

Try to miss each other, rather than get tired of seeing their face everyday lol. Just being 100!

SONG: Seek Bromance - Avicii

I had somewhat of a meltdown at work today. No, I didn’t bust out cursing at the world while running down the hall screaming, “The end is near!” I probably would be blogging about a different topic today entitled “How I lost my job”. No, it was a different sort of meltdown, one that I am all too familiar with, especially during my college years. You would think after graduating college, you kind of settle down and the stress load isn’t as high as before…well this is half true. YES, I’m settled down and I don’t have much to stress about, but right now I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Its become more of a routine – I wake up, barely get to work, eat, do work, eat, gmail chat, go on my phone, wait until 4, go home, eat, watch some tv on the internet, workout or run, jo, listen to music, then go to bed and start the whole damn thing over. There are some instances where I actually get to hang out with friends and catch up, or hang with the bf and play video games, or just…well you know. But other than that, I feel as though as my life right now is sitting idle and as I sit I ask myself: “WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?”

I am turning 26 this year, I’ve graduated college, I live on my own, I have a car, I have a great job with benefits, I have a boyfriend, I have great friends, I have great roomies, I have a supportive loving family, and God is good…so why do I still feel like something is missing?

I was talking to Lena, Vince, and Sherwin about how I was feeling and I went through the motions of what it might be. Could it be that I need to find a new job? Maybe I need to get a new hobby, maybe I should go back to youtube? Maybe I should pick up playing an instrument or sport? Maybe I should get back to drawing? Ooh writing? Yeah I love writing…and even though I’ve identified what it “might” be, the hard part right now is actually feeling motivated to get there and do something.

For example, the reason I stopped youtube was because I felt it was becoming more a job than a hobby. It’s not fun anymore (don’t get me wrong I loved TGIF, but I just felt the fun being drained from it), and I feel like my viewers aren’t the same viewers that I used to enjoy reading comments from. I still enjoy random folks emailing me about being gay and how to do this and that, THAT I love to do all day everyday without feeling bored. So I guess – helping people? Helping people is something that is lacking from my life…I’m lacking purpose.

During my college career, I felt like I was always busy and I had a purpose. I was busy with school, PACE, being a TA, lesson plans, graduation, relationships, adventures, late night studying, event after event. I joked with Vince saying that I just miss college…he said I was half kidding. But to be honest, I hated that stress…even though I was much skinner when I was. I guess, I need to find something that can keep me occupied and have a purpose along with it.

Mmmmm…I might be over thinking this too. I don’t often get like this, not anymore at least, I’m pretty much sure of what I need to do and when…I guess I am just in a funk and I need to get out of it. Maybe I feel like this because for 8 hours M-F, I’m sitting at a desk, typing away, obtaining benefits for patients, typing away, bored out of my efffing mind (it’s a easy job that pays well though).

I thought about it a few weeks back, maybe I just need to go back to basics and just write. I enjoy writing – I always have. Its that one space that I feel I can eloquently speak without having to edit the way I say it or the way I look when saying it. Its free, it’s a fast, its easy.

So heres the starting point. I’m back to basics…we’ll see where this takes me.