If you didn’t catch on, I’m dealing with some body image issues. Mind you, in my 26 years of life, I have never had any issues with my body. Maybe here and there, but I was definitely comfortable in my own skin. I remember even telling myself - I AM THICK!!! YES! I always was the skinny kid on the block and being skinny made me look like I was from a third world country - yuck.

It wasn’t until this year that my ex put a mirror in front of my face and said…”You’re gaining weight.” At first I told myself, I wasn’t going to let it get to me, but eventually it did. In fact, I started to change my eating habits and started to work out. At first, for him, but then eventually it was for me. But that obviously wasn’t enough…thus explaining why I’m not with him. But that’s not the point of this blog…

I have been losing weight and I have lost at least 15 pounds since Feb. I have changed my eating habits and I have included a nice lil o workout. I’m happy…but I feel like I’m starving my happiness.

I’m scared to eat now because I’m scared of gaining weight. Some might call this a acute eating disorder others might call it me making shit up in my head. For me…its something I am now constantly dealing with.

This idea of portioning food was never something I lived by. But it was so ingrained in my head that I start to think of portioning everything…I start thinking about not eating fatty foods…In fact I’ve been eating salads and veggies these past three weeks for lunch…which is awesome…but eating it doesn’t make me feel happy. I used to eat rice, I used to eat mc donalds, I used to eat whatever the fuck I wanted to…but I’m at this point where I am scared to eat…I’ve never been scared to eat food…food honestly doesn’t make me as happy as it used to be.

I start thinking of what I’m going to eat a week in advance sometimes two weeks. I tell myself that I’m not going to eat that, but eat this. I mean…don’t get me wrong…this past weekend I ate…but even at that I felt like I was eating a lot because I honestly have been starving myself from actual food. Come to think of it…I ate like I never saw food in my life this past weekend…

This saddens me because its obviously not healthy and its something I’m dealing with. I’ve become one of those people that work out, eat salad, and work out some more…because I want to be THIN! I WANT TO BE THIN!!!!!!!….

Sigh…its sad…it really is…because a part of me says eat whatever the fuck you want, you’re not fat. But a big part of me now constantly reminds me that I am…and I need to lose that weight…

For who? For him? For me? For me right?

…

Its gotten to the point where I am scared to even talk to guys bc I’m scared they’ll judge me for my weight…make me lose weight…

WTF…did I just really admit that to myself!?!?!

This is horrible…

YES…I am starving my happiness…

DISCLAIMER: The following story is something I felt important to share because I’m sure many gay people (and straight folks too) in the community deal with the same pressure and struggle with their body image. However, me taking Healthy Trim does not by all means make me someone who is lazy, who wants a short cut, or who doesn’t want to work hard to lose weight. This was an alternative product that I heard on the radio many times and read about being successful for some. That being said, I took a chance to see what would happen. This is my personal experience.

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I’ve done two videos about body image on my youtube channel and shared them with you all before. This time, I would like to share an experience that happened yesterday that scared the shit out of me. I grew up being the kid that was always skinny and wanted to gain weight. I never had body issues during hs or earlier in college…my weight was ok and I was lucky to have the metabolism that I did. It was only until my junior year that I started to realize that I was gaining weight. One day I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw fat. This was pretty shocking because fat was something I never saw on my body…so it was a rude awakening.

Since then, I’ve been struggling to lose those extra pounds and working hard to eat healthier. Before my weight issues, I never included yogurt or vegetables in my diet - I know right. But now, I feel like I got the hang of including those food items. BUT, its still been a struggle. Even having a gym membership hasn’t really satisfied the weight I want to be…maybe it has to be consistency? Motivation? I love my boyfriend because he really was the first person to inspire me to run the lake again and to be more active. But with age, I’ve gotten this back pain and the doctor said that it was because I needed to lose weight. I’m like are you fucking serious? So its been kind of depressing. Also, I stepped on to a electronic scale this past Thursday and it said ERROR! I was like FUCKKKK it can’t even recognize my fatness LOL.

All kidding aside, I don’t have to lose as much as most people and I’m not fat, its just that I would love to lose more weight to get back into the jeans that don’t fit me anymore…seriously I have only 3 pairs that fit me now…out of 15 =( womp womp…So as you can tell…I’ve had my roller coaster ride with this. Its like being in a new body that I’m still not used to…

I think I’ve gotten passed the “GAY IMAGE” of having abs and being all muscles because in all honestly, I like being thick and I’ve said that before - but it comes from within myself that I’m just not happy with the weight I am right now. Its not so much about fitting the gay mold, its more of…my personal happiness that I am trying to achieve which is trying to fit back to my jeans =/ lol. SO…finally here is my story….

I decided a week and half ago that I was going to try healthy trim. Look it up, its very convincing and its not necessarily a diet pill - its more of a supplement enhancer kind of thing. You can still eat what you want, but the pills are supposed to help you lose weight. So I read the testimonials and obviously heard those on the radio…so I was like whatever. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about it because I wanted to just keep it on the DL at first, however I did tell my mom about it and she said that I was stupid and that shit causes people to die. Typical mom, but I brushed it off and still went through with it.

I finally got the bottles and consumed my first pills yesterday. At first I was jittery and I knew that came with it because its all natural caffeine. All I had to remember was to drink water…so I drank water and I was fine. I still ate a big lunch and felt fine. Later in the afternoon though, I felt dizzy. I was wondering if it was because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, so I brushed it off. But the dizziness became more frequent and a migraine soon followed. I didn’t tell my bf because I didn’t want him to worry…We even worked out later that night. We got home and had dinner. When I was trying to go to sleep…it happened…

It had been like 5-7 hrs since I took my last pill (I’m supposed to take 4 each day, but I only took 2 to test it out - THANK GOD). It started with my heart beating fast. I tried to play it off…then I started to get hot. Then I started to panic and get uncomfortable. Then I started feeling like I was going to die…I was tripping out. I felt like I was on weed and I was having a bad trip…it was the WORST feeling ever…I was thinking fuck….what if this is my last night that I’m alive…so I started praying…I started to countdown from 10…I tried to do breathing exercises…I don’t know what happened, but I ended up being able to sleep…

I woke up feeling grateful that I was still alive…I’m definitely returning the bottles to get my money back. In short, I had a bad experience with healthy trim and it definitely didn’t work. I then had to tell my boyfriend and he said he appreciated me trying to lose weight, but he said we’ll work together and help each other. I love him. So thats where I am right now…just feeling like I survived what felt like my LAST night on earth =/…scary….but its a learning experience that I wanted to share…

Losing weight comes with a price when you try alternatives and this was my first time taking any sort of pill …this is definitely a last as well…Heres my other videos about body image that I’d like to share….Thanks for reading =]

Today I asked someone if I was fat…

I already know what some of you are thinking, “DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION, IT’S A TRAP!” Without hesitation the person responded by telling me that I could lose some pounds. -_____-;;;; (Depression mode activated)

Growing up in a Pilipino household, you were either too skinny or too fat - you would know this because your mom would always comment on the way you look. My mom always commented on my sister and I would her say it - it sort of like a term of endearment for most Pilipino moms to address your weight. In my situation, my mom always commented how skinny I was and how I should eat more. Mind you, growing up - I ATE. TRUST! I always prided myself with having a high metabolism. I guess the last thing I had on my mind when I was growing up was my weight. Who knew that somewhere between the ages of 23-25, that my metabolism would slow down dramatically.

I don’t consider myself fat - I would lean more towards being thick. In all honesty, I LOVE BEING THICK - theres always something to grab on to. But growing up skinny and realizing one day that you’re not skinny is like waking up in a different body. I recall that moment a few years ago where I woke up, looked in the mirror, grabbed the front of my stomach, looked at myself angrily in the mirror and said, “WHERE THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM?” It was at that moment that I started to realize my body was changing.

I’m not one to work out 4-5 hours in the gym, lift weights as a hobby, or in general work out. My mentality still remains as that skinny kid who feels like they don’t need to work out. I always wanted abs, but never had them. I always wanted really big muscles, I got close. But most of all, I wanted one of those buff chests, but I never got close. Its not so much me giving up on trying to strive for a “better” body, its just that I don’t feel its a priority to do that. I rather do other things like eat, play video games, go out and hang with friends, watch movies, or surf that net - I mean these are activities that I would spend my time on. But in recent months, I guess I’ve been told that I’ve gained “some weight” and that I need to lose “some pounds”.

The idea that I now need to lose weight and work out is so foreign to me. Its something that I obviously am not used to because I never had to worry about my weight to begin with. After working 8 hours, the last thing I wanna do is spend 1-2 hours being more tired. However, its brought up from time to time that I need to work out. I see my friend Mark, buff like a super hero, strutting his stuff, and I think to myself - yeah that would be nice, but honestly I’m okay with my body and I’ve been trying to get used to this “thickness”. During the summer I celebrated my birthday in Vegas - we took some great pictures, but you don’t see me posting them - why. The reason is - after looking at those pictures in Vegas…I was like…”YOU’RE FAT!” I remember getting ready to go to the club one night and I looked at myself in the mirror and I could see that “thickness” pop through my Express shirts - and those dress shirts are tight. It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t like the way I looked.

I guess I only get insecure when others point out that I’ve gained weight and trust me I hear it a lot from my mom every time I go home - instead of the usually you need to eat - its now - you need to lose some weight. So like any human being, I got insecure today at work and I started to feel depressed about my weight. Luckily, I have friends who are both realest and supportive. Supportive friends wont tell you you’re fat, but will say they love you no matter what and that to be yourself. Realest friends are those who will snap you into reality and the truth. I appreciate both because I definitely was feeling crappy today.

For someone who used to be skinny, now being thick, its hard to get used to this new body. Especially, being gay - ugh the standards you have to live up to. You have to dress a certain way, look a certain way, be a certain way to be accepted in the community - I’m sure straight communities are the same, but all I know is this is VERY true for the gay community. But I never got caught up in that - I’m pretty much independent and don’t give a fuck about what others think. I never bought into those lies or into that way of thinking. I’ve always tried to stay true to myself. I guess now…I’m still adjusting being gay and being a lil more thicker than before. Its sad - you see gay people work to death to get the perfect body, but without enjoyment of LIFE, a good looking body does nothing for you but just wastes your time in a smelly building filled with men trying to please others.

I realize though, I need to take care of this body, and for my sake I need to spend a lil more time in trying to exercise and lose some pounds - not for others, but for me and my health. I never wanna do anything to impress others or be forced to do something I don’t want to. So the story continues or in other words, has just begun.

The skinny kid isn’t skinny anymore. He is facing tough insecurities and body image issues that he has to overcome without compromising who he is as a person.

This journey is going to take me well into 2012…I guess I’m starting early. In the end I know that before I love anyone else, I gotta love myself - and I do. Additionally, knowing what you have to overcome is half the battle, doing the actual work is the real battle.

To end on a high note, my sister told me this today…

“We love you no matter what weight you are”

A great reminder =].