There are just some things in life worth sharing...Enjoy!
i want to wake up tomorrow morning and have the man of my dreams next to me…no not like a dream or anything, but reality. waking up next to him and him turning over to me and looking at me, squinting his eyes and smiling then going back to sleep. is that so much to ask? …someone asked me, are you having sex…and i said no. and the person then replied WHY NOT, as if I’ve done something wrong. he then went on to say how sex is important and all that and blah blah blah at this point i was like yeah thank you for the sermon, but i know this. my thing is, i aint a thirsty bitch. a thirsty bitch who trying to get laid and trying to get some. i mean ANY guy who really wants sex at any given moment can get it…i can get it. i just chose not to because im not thirsty. it comes down to that whole - talking bidness…aint nobody got time for that. and sometimes when you do get some…you feel a little empty afterwards…like you lost a part of yourself in that moment…as if you already knew that what you did was a mistake…and you wished you just jacked off with your hand. when you reach a certain maturity - you realize that you just dont wanna fuck with people just to fuck because you dont want to be that dude to hurt that person. but to be honest some guys who you end up just wanting to just dtf be doing the MOST!!! you feel me like cooooooommeee on…shut the fuck up - stop talking to me about your day - just suck the dick…like really though. aint nobody got time for the in betweens…shit if you over for more than 20-30 mins…ill feel obligated to ask if you if you had dinner yet…its the filipino in me LOL. but thats how it really goes down though right…all im saying is im tried of the dtfs…sure we all go through that phase, but when it comes down to it - AFTER ALL SAID AND DONE - you are reminded to hold yourself at a higher standard…you got morals…you classy…blahblahblah so you make yourself feel even more like shit like - fuck did i just really do that…damnit…crushes….butterflies…talking to someone who im genuinely attracted to and feeling like its going well - has been…well its been awhile…i wish there was a restart button in all this because in some ways im so jaded with this finding someone bc i feel like ive seen every type of guy…and the guy that i want to be with doesnt exist…and ill forever be alone…sighhhhhhhh
Everyone has a preference. Some want a man with six pack abs others like myself could careless if you had abs. There are some who love a lot of meat on their man where as others want a stick. Most of us eventually find ourselves saying the same thing…I want someone to love me for me.
In this gay community, the idea of wanting someone to love you for you, is often…well…lets just say its like trying to find the pot of gold over the rainbow. I hear it too often from others, “Why are you single?” “You deserve better” “You’re really attractive”.
In reply I say, “I’m single because I just got out of one.” “I do deserve better, that’s why I left” “And thanks, but I need to start believing that myself again.”
I need to starting believing in my worth again. You know when someone makes you feel like your less than you are…you don’t believe it at first, but you eventually believe it. Yeah, that’s where I’m coming from. As much as people see me a certain way, I’m struggling to find the beauty in myself. I have moments where I’m like damn…you’re looking good today, but often times…now…I just feel…well less than myself. I try to fake it…but who am I fooling…I’m dealing with some baggage.
There’s one thing I know for sure, this too shall pass, but right now, this where I am. This idea of someone loving me for me…well it obviously wasn’t good enough. My worth was not good enough to be loved. I was only loved for the potential that I could be, not the person I really am.
Somewhere…I too lost myself…and now I’m backtracking to find where that self is.
Last night, I had this really attractive guy hit me up and honestly I didn’t think much of it, but then he started to say that I was the most attractive FINEEE guy hes ever seen. To my reply, “Thank you, I’m flattered, but I’m really not.” He continued to compliment me and ask me the same things I explained I hear too often. At this point, I start second guessing who I am, who he’s looking at, and I start to tell myself, “Is he blind?”
I guess that’s part of this whole baggage that I’m dealing with. That a attractive guy like him would ever find me attractive too. I mean…I want to believe that he thinks I am the finest guy hes seen, but who am I fooling…I think hes just lying to me to just get a dick pic…which it turns out he eventually asked. Regardless, of the out of pocket question, I still was flattered that he would ask for a dick pic from me. haha.
I’m still figuring how to get back my confidence…
We are addicted to our thoughts.
We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.
Your thoughts today create your life tomorrow. Here are twelve destructive thoughts to flush out of your mind.
Don’t forget, when you stop doing the wrong things, the right things eventually catch you.
So make sure you’re not…
The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money. Start building real wealth today by doing the following:
I do most of these …but need to be more consistent
The day may have 24 hours of equivalent length but every hour is not created equal. Beginning the day with a purpose and a plan increases your chances of success.
In her book What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, Laura Vanderkam writes, “Seizing your mornings is the equivalent of that sound financial advice to pay yourself first. If you wait until the end of the month to save what you have left, there will be nothing left over. Likewise, if you wait until the end of the day to do meaningful but not urgent things like exercise, pray, read, ponder how to advance your career or grow your organization, or truly give your family your best, it probably won’t happen.”
Here are 11 smart ways to start your day. I would suggest that the most successful people do the majority of these things during the first couple hours of their morning as part of their daily routine.
This morning I was hit with an unexpected $173 withdraw from my chase account. Yeah, its only $20 more than I expected to pay for my student loan this month, but still – that $20 could have gone to gas, food, or other expenses. Graduating from college comes with a huge cost and if you have loan after loan like I do, stress and regret are going to be my new best friends. Unlike my friends, I had to take out loans because my family couldn’t afford to send me to college. Luckily I had grants, but with tuition on the rise and the cost of living up as well, it just wasn’t enough to pay for college.
I look back and wonder what I could have done to prevent myself from taking out so many loans, but then I realized that the loans I took out, part of it when towards helping my family survive during some financial hardships. So I can’t be mad about what occurred, I mean it helped me get where I am today. I guess I’m just frustrated with the fact that my earnings from my job are going to repaying these damn loans.
I live on my own and pay rent, utilities, phone, internet, and gas on my own. If I’m lucky, I can ask my family to get me groceries. Most of my paycheck goes to bills and the rest go on food. It would be nice if I could take trips or buy new clothes for myself, but honestly all those are just luxury things that I can’t afford to spend. I want to save money, but I barely can save. Adulthood has a price and no one could have ever prepared me for this.
What I know for certain is that I am grateful, I am grateful that I have a degree to show for all this. I have a great job that helps me get by each month. When all is said and done…I have a great life.
Like Blue Scholars, I know it’s a struggle and I’m supposed to sweat.
So I’ve finally graduated…
Thanks for reminding me