i want to wake up tomorrow morning and have the man of my dreams next to me…no not like a dream or anything, but reality. waking up next to him and him turning over to me and looking at me, squinting his eyes and smiling then going back to sleep. is that so much to ask? …someone asked me, are you having sex…and i said no. and the person then replied WHY NOT, as if I’ve done something wrong. he then went on to say how sex is important and all that and blah blah blah at this point i was like yeah thank you for the sermon, but i know this. my thing is, i aint a thirsty bitch. a thirsty bitch who trying to get laid and trying to get some. i mean ANY guy who really wants sex at any given moment can get it…i can get it. i just chose not to because im not thirsty. it comes down to that whole - talking bidness…aint nobody got time for that. and sometimes when you do get some…you feel a little empty afterwards…like you lost a part of yourself in that moment…as if you already knew that what you did was a mistake…and you wished you just jacked off with your hand. when you reach a certain maturity - you realize that you just dont wanna fuck with people just to fuck because you dont want to be that dude to hurt that person. but to be honest some guys who you end up just wanting to just dtf be doing the MOST!!! you feel me like cooooooommeee on…shut the fuck up - stop talking to me about your day - just suck the dick…like really though. aint nobody got time for the in betweens…shit if you over for more than 20-30 mins…ill feel obligated to ask if you if you had dinner yet…its the filipino in me LOL. but thats how it really goes down though right…all im saying is im tried of the dtfs…sure we all go through that phase, but when it comes down to it - AFTER ALL SAID AND DONE - you are reminded to hold yourself at a higher standard…you got morals…you classy…blahblahblah so you make yourself feel even more like shit like - fuck did i just really do that…damnit…crushes….butterflies…talking to someone who im genuinely attracted to and feeling like its going well - has been…well its been awhile…i wish there was a restart button in all this because in some ways im so jaded with this finding someone bc i feel like ive seen every type of guy…and the guy that i want to be with doesnt exist…and ill forever be alone…sighhhhhhhh

Everyone has a preference. Some want a man with six pack abs others like myself could careless if you had abs. There are some who love a lot of meat on their man where as others want a stick. Most of us eventually find ourselves saying the same thing…I want someone to love me for me.

In this gay community, the idea of wanting someone to love you for you, is often…well…lets just say its like trying to find the pot of gold over the rainbow. I hear it too often from others, “Why are you single?” “You deserve better” “You’re really attractive”.

In reply I say, “I’m single because I just got out of one.” “I do deserve better, that’s why I left” “And thanks, but I need to start believing that myself again.”

I need to starting believing in my worth again. You know when someone makes you feel like your less than you are…you don’t believe it at first, but you eventually believe it. Yeah, that’s where I’m coming from. As much as people see me a certain way, I’m struggling to find the beauty in myself. I have moments where I’m like damn…you’re looking good today, but often times…now…I just feel…well less than myself. I try to fake it…but who am I fooling…I’m dealing with some baggage.

There’s one thing I know for sure, this too shall pass, but right now, this where I am. This idea of someone loving me for me…well it obviously wasn’t good enough. My worth was not good enough to be loved. I was only loved for the potential that I could be, not the person I really am.

Somewhere…I too lost myself…and now I’m backtracking to find where that self is.

Last night, I had this really attractive guy hit me up and honestly I didn’t think much of it, but then he started to say that I was the most attractive FINEEE guy hes ever seen. To my reply, “Thank you, I’m flattered, but I’m really not.” He continued to compliment me and ask me the same things I explained I hear too often. At this point, I start second guessing who I am, who he’s looking at, and I start to tell myself, “Is he blind?”

I guess that’s part of this whole baggage that I’m dealing with. That a attractive guy like him would ever find me attractive too. I mean…I want to believe that he thinks I am the finest guy hes seen, but who am I fooling…I think hes just lying to me to just get a dick pic…which it turns out he eventually asked. Regardless, of the out of pocket question, I still was flattered that he would ask for a dick pic from me. haha.

In conclusion…

I’m still figuring how to get back my confidence…

We are addicted to our thoughts.
We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.

Your thoughts today create your life tomorrow.  Here are twelve destructive thoughts to flush out of your mind.

1. “My past is indicative of my future.” – Do not judge failed attempts and mistakes as an indication of your future potential, but as part of the growth process.  Something does not have to end well for it to have been one of the most valuable experiences of a lifetime.  When times get tough, take a deep breath.  Know that most great things come when you least expect it.  Keep working on YOU and it will work itself out.  Being defeated is a temporary condition; giving up is what makes it permanent.
2. “I care what they think of me.” – Ignore the rude people who talk about you behind your back.  That’s exactly where they belong, behind your back.  Being strong doesn’t mean you always have to fight the battle.  True strength is being wise enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.  Read The Four Agreements.
3. “I’ll do what makes me happy someday.” – Sometimes in your quest to make everyone else happy, you make yourself miserable.  Remember,today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you will ever be again.  It’s kind of scary, but it’s true.  If there was ever a perfect moment to follow your values and pursue your own dreams, that moment is now.
4. “I can’t,” “It’s too late,” “I’m not good enough,” etc. – We never know where we will be at the end of our journey.  We do, however, know where we are today; and from here we can mine our hope and love to set the course forward.  Our attitude shifts our sails and ultimately determines not only our final destination, but more importantly, the voyage and experiences along the way.
5. “There’s so much that could go wrong.” – Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start thinking of what could go right.  Better yet, think of everything that already is right.  Be thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family, and past dreams and goals that turned into realities.  Use these positive points to fuel an even brighter tomorrow.
6. “I will never forgive you.” – It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it’s been hurt.  If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.  You are stronger now and better equipped to find the kind of love you deserve.  Read You Can Heal Your Life.
7. “I don’t like them because they’re broken.” – As you grow you will discover that you were blessed with two great hands – one for helping yourself, and one from helping others.  Be someone who builds and nurtures with an understanding and forgiving heart.  Be someone who looks for the best in people and leaves them a little stronger than you found them.  And always be careful of how you judge people – you can’t sum up a person’s entire existence in one moment.
8. “I am too unhappy to make anyone else happy.” – Happiness is a boomerang.  When you catch yourself feeling unhappy, doing something small that makes someone else happy, and I guarantee you, when they smile, it will be hard not to smile back.
9. “I can’t trust anyone.” – We often keep our hearts closed, not because we don’t trust others not to leave us, let us down, or stop loving us, but because we don’t trust ourselves to survive the pain of them leaving, letting us down, or not loving us anymore.  How ironic, considering that only by suffering through these very losses, do we come to realize our true strength.  Remember, like a tiny seed, in order to grow, we need to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, rained on, and forced to struggle slowly to reach the light.
10. “Everyone else is doing it, so it must be right.” – Live YOUR life.  Never hide who you are.  The only shame is to have shame.  Stand up for what you believe in.  Question what other people tell you when it doesn’t feel right.  If you follow the crowd, you will go no further than the crowd.  But if you walk alone, follow your gut, and carve your own path, you will likely find yourself in places no one has ever been before.
11. “It will never get better.” / “It will never get worse.” – This too shall pass.  When life is rough, remember, it won’t always be this way.  So take one day at a time.  And when life is great, remember, it won’t always be this way.  So appreciate every great moment.  Read The Power of Now.
12. “I don’t have time to dream.” – The real tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your dream; it lies in having no dream to reach.  Devote yourself to an idea you believe in.  Follow your gut.  Overcome your fears.  Work on it.  Struggle with it.  Smile about it.  Make it happen.  This is your life and your dream – no one else’s.  And remember, you don’t have to see the whole staircase; you just have to take one step at a time.

Don’t forget, when you stop doing the wrong things, the right things eventually catch you.

So make sure you’re not…

1. Making blind judgments. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show you.  What you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain.  Too often we jump to conclusions, only to cause ourselves and others unnecessary worry, hurt, and anger.  So exercise restraint, be kind, and save the jumping for joy.
2. Expecting people to be perfect. – When you open up to love, you must be open up to getting hurt as well.  If you expect to love someone, and not have disappointment every now and then, then you don’t want love, you want something perfect that doesn’t exist.  When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can start appreciating them for who they truly are.  Read The 5 Love Languages.
3. Focusing on everything and everyone except YOU. – Make the world a better place one person at a time, and start with YOU.  If you’relooking out into the world to find where your purpose resides, stop, and look inside instead.  Look at who you already are, the lifestyle you choose to live, and what makes you come alive.  Then nurture these things and let them grow until your current life can no longer contain them.  And finally, as you’re being forced to grow, follow them into the world with courage, trusting that where they will take you will be where your purpose finds its home.
4. Holding on to the wrong things for too long. – To let go isn’t to forget.  Letting go involves cherishing the memories, overcoming the obstacles, and moving on.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow.  It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead.  It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes and continue taking positive steps forward.
5. Denying your mistakes. – Mistakes are almost always forgivable if you have the courage to admit them.  You have to be courageous and wise enough to know that if what you are doing isn’t producing the desired results, you must take different actions.  Sometimes falling flat on your face is exactly what’s needed to help you see things from a totally different perspective, and get back on track.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
6. Avoiding your fears. – Go to your fears, sit with them, and stare at them.  Your fears are your friend; their only job is to show you undeveloped parts of yourself that you need to cultivate to live a happy life.  The more you do the things you’re most afraid of doing, the more life opens up.  Embrace your fears and your fears will embrace you.
7. Accepting less than you know you deserve. – Do not sacrifice your heart or your dignity.  Love yourself enough to never lower your standards for the wrong reasons.  Do not get so anxious for something that you’ll accept anything.  Hold to your standards and be willing to walk away, with your head held high.
8. Storing mental clutter. – Just as you don’t move from one home to another without first sorting through what you’ve gathered over the years, throwing away what is broken and no longer useful, so too should you do the same with what you’ve mentally gathered, before you move on.  Do some sorting, throw away regrets and old pains, and take only the treasures worth keeping: The lessons, the love, and the best of what you’ve lived.
9. Worrying about things that can’t be changed. – One of the happiest moments ever is when you feel the courage to let go of what you can’t change.  Refuse to ruin a perfectly good today by thinking about a bad yesterday.  The past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased.  However, the lessons learned can prepare you for a brighter tomorrow.  Read The Power of Now.
10. Letting hope gradually slip away. – Every mistake, breakup, and setback in life is an opportunity to do it better next time.  So keep your head held high.  We can live without a lot of things, but hope isn’t one of them.  Cultivate hope by latching onto stories of triumph, and words that inspire.  But most of all, listen to the quiet whisper of your inner strength when it tells you that this is only temporary, and that you will get through this stronger than you were before.
11. Thinking it’s too late. – Whether you know it or not the rest of your life is being shaped right now.  You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices, or you can fight back.  Things aren’t always going to be fair in the real world; that’s just the way it is.  But for the most part you get what you give.  The rest of your life is being shaped by the goals you chase, the choices you make, and the actions you take.  The rest of your life is a long time, and it starts right now.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/09/03/9-free-ways-to-become-wealthy/#more-498

The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.  Start building real wealth today by doing the following:

1. Realize that the small things are really the big things. – We are always looking for something better that we sometimes fail to realize that we already have the best we could hope for.  When you get something small, you want more.  When you get more, you desire even more.  But when you lose everything, you realize the small things were really the big things.  Read The Last Lecture.
2. Cherish your relationships. – Sometimes people are beautiful, not in looks, not in what they say, just in who they are and what they do.  Remember, you will never fully appreciate all of the things someone does for you until you find yourself doing the same things for yourself.  So be grateful for the people who make your life a little brighter.  They are the charming gardeners who help your soul blossom.
3. Be okay with the fact that you can’t control everything. – When you’re younger, you exhaust yourself trying to take charge of everything inyour life, other people, and all situations.  Then one day it dawns on you that you will never gain control until you lose the need to have it – until you can simply let it be okay, to not be perfectly okay.  When you’re wearing yourself ragged trying to juggle the outcome of everything happening around you, it’s time to stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that the only things you can truly control, are what choices you will make, and how much control you will give to the fear that you’re feeling.
4. Work through your failures. – Success is not a skill; it is a persistent attitude.  The difference in winning and losing is, most often, the simple act of not quitting.  Before you quit, think of the reason why you held on so long, and all the progress you have made.  The reason so many people give up too early is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come.  Read The Success Principles.
5. Don’t let your fears make your decisions anymore. – Have faith that the universe has a plan for you, and it’s all being revealed in the right timeframe.  Something you will eventually learn through all your ups and downs is that there are really no wrong decisions in life, just choices that will take your life down a totally different path.  So take chances, follow your intuition, and allow yourself more moments of awe, wonder, inspiration and grace.
6. Stand up for yourself. – Don’t let the people who do so little for you, control so much of your feelings and emotions.  Never cry for those who don’t know the value of your tears.  Stand your ground.  It is better to let them walk away from you than all over you.
7. Make up your mind to be happy. – Nobody can take away your pain, so don’t let anyone take away your happiness.  If you want to be sad, no one in the world can make you happy.  But if you make up your mind to be happy, no one and nothing on earth can take that happiness from you.
8. Let go of resentment. – You will only begin to heal and grow when you let go of the past, forgive those who have wronged you, and learn for forgive yourself for your mistakes.  So every morning as you make your bed, think positively, and smooth out the wrinkles of negativity left from yesterday’s challenges, tuck the corners of your doubts away, and fluff your belief that every day is a perfect new beginning.  Read Radical Forgiveness.
9. Focus on the positive. – With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift.  Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.  You get to choose.  No matter how far you have traveled or how many failures you have encountered, hope and positivity can still meet you anywhere.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/09/05/11-ways-successful-people-start-their-mornings/#more-502

I do most of these …but need to be more consistent 

The day may have 24 hours of equivalent length but every hour is not created equal.  Beginning the day with a purpose and a plan increases your chances of success.

In her book What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, Laura Vanderkam writes, “Seizing your mornings is the equivalent of that sound financial advice to pay yourself first.  If you wait until the end of the month to save what you have left, there will be nothing left over.  Likewise, if you wait until the end of the day to do meaningful but not urgent things like exercise, pray, read, ponder how to advance your career or grow your organization, or truly give your family your best, it probably won’t happen.”

Here are 11 smart ways to start your day.  I would suggest that the most successful people do the majority of these things during the first couple hours of their morning as part of their daily routine.

1. Get an early start.  This extra time will help you avoid speeding tickets, tardiness and other unnecessary headaches.  In addition, most markets and businesses open by 9 A.M.  Whether you work from home or commute to an office, the more time you’ve had to digest the day’s news and obstacles ahead, the greater advantage you’ll have over your competition.
2. Review your Focus list.  What is your number one goal right now?  What’s most important to you?  What makes you happy?  Design your time around these things.  Remember, time is your greatest limited resource, because no matter how hard you try you can’t work 25/8.
3. Review your TO-DON’T list.  A ‘TO-DON’T list’ is a list of things not to do.  It might seem amusing, but it’s an incredibly useful tool for keepingtrack of unproductive habits, like checking Facebook and Twitter, randomly browsing news websites, etc.  Create one and post it up in your workspace where you can see it.
4. Exercise.  Other than the obvious health benefits, movement increases brain function and decreases stress levels.  Developing a consistent habit of exercising is a discipline which will carry over into your business day – Apple CEO, Tim Cook, is in the gym by 5 A.M. every morning.  If you can, go outside for a walk, or jump on the treadmill and start out slow.  This will jump-start your metabolism and your day.
5. Eat a healthy breakfast.  Your brain and body speed are a function of what you intake.  Bagels, muffins and sugars have the tendency to slow you down.  Fruits, proteins and grains help provide a consistent stream of energy without the sudden drop-off.   Try a mixture of orange, apple and lemon juice with a spinach omelet one morning and let me know how much better you feel.
6. Kiss your partner goodbye.  It sounds cheesy, but most truly successful people have a great home life.  Acknowledging your partner (and kids) mentally relaxes you, allowing you to focus on the day ahead.  Don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re striving to be successful so they may benefit as well.
7. Practice 15 minutes of positive visualization.  In his program Get the Edge, Tony Robbins explains the importance of gratitude visualization first thing every morning.  In a nutshell, spend roughly 15 minutes thinking of everything you’re grateful for: in yourself, among your family and friends, in your career, and the like.  After that, visualize everything you want in your life as if you had it today.  The effect?  Elevated certainty in everything you do, and always being in peak state.  Despite how ‘new age’ it sounds, it’s had incredible effects on associating success into my every-day life.
8. Put first things first.  Successful people recognize that not all hours are created equal, and they strategically account for this when planning their day.  For most of us, our minds operate at peak performance in the morning hours when we’re well rested.  So obviously it would be foolish to use this time for a trivial task like reading emails.  These peak performance hours should be 100% dedicated to working on the tasks that bring you closer to your goals.
9. Eat that frog.  Brian Tracy’s classic time-management book Eat That Frog gets its title from a Mark Twain quote that says, if you eat a live frog first thing in the morning, you’ve got it behind you for the rest of the day, and nothing else will be more difficult.  In others words, get the tough stuff done first.
10. Connect with the right people.  Relationships are the basis of business – communication is the basis of relationships.  Successful people associate with people who are likeminded, focused, and supportive.  These people create energy when they enter the room, versus those who create energy when they leave.  Connecting with these positive people in the morning can set you up for a positive day.
11. Stay informed.  Whether you prefer National Public Radio or the Wall Street Journal, spend a few minutes each morning learning about what is going on in the world.  Not only will it educate you, it may change your perspective or inspire your actions for the day.

This morning I was hit with an unexpected $173 withdraw from my chase account. Yeah, its only $20 more than I expected to pay for my student loan this month, but still – that $20 could have gone to gas, food, or other expenses. Graduating from college comes with a huge cost and if you have loan after loan like I do, stress and regret are going to be my new best friends. Unlike my friends, I had to take out loans because my family couldn’t afford to send me to college. Luckily I had grants, but with tuition on the rise and the cost of living up as well, it just wasn’t enough to pay for college.

I look back and wonder what I could have done to prevent myself from taking out so many loans, but then I realized that the loans I took out, part of it when towards helping my family survive during some financial hardships. So I can’t be mad about what occurred, I mean it helped me get where I am today. I guess I’m just frustrated with the fact that my earnings from my job are going to repaying these damn loans.

I live on my own and pay rent, utilities, phone, internet, and gas on my own. If I’m lucky, I can ask my family to get me groceries. Most of my paycheck goes to bills and the rest go on food. It would be nice if I could take trips or buy new clothes for myself, but honestly all those are just luxury things that I can’t afford to spend. I want to save money, but I barely can save. Adulthood has a price and no one could have ever prepared me for this.

What I know for certain is that I am grateful, I am grateful that I have a degree to show for all this. I have a great job that helps me get by each month. When all is said and done…I have a great life.

Like Blue Scholars, I know it’s a struggle and I’m supposed to sweat.

So I’ve finally graduated…

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCK lol

Thanks for reminding me